Onward and Upward

Feeling a bit reflective as of late as I'm about to jump into more things that are new to me.

Though not many know about this blog, I have plenty of stories posted and more coming to show some of my work.  I've written screenplays (albeit incorrectly haha).  I have loads of comic book scripts and the only artist I have is tied up with our book Tourniquet and things he's working on for various other people.  Like the comics I have some children's books written with no artist.  And now I've got a bunch of books lined up; something I never expected.  As I've stated in the post "The Struggle" I'm a struggling writer and it's a frustrating (and often depressing) feeling that I'm working so much and so hard for nobody to know who I am but I have faith that I won't be so invisible by year's end. 

My first book was released on Feb 1st and before its release I already had other projects lined up.  I never understood how artists got more jobs before their current project had even seen the light of day and now it's happened to me and I'm getting it now. 

Gun Control for Polar Bears came out to a roaring silence.  My friends and family bought copies to show support but beyond that it remains unknown for now.  Incidentally, weeks after its release I had some people unfriend me on Facebook.  My assumption is that due to my constant rambling about the book they probably became annoyed and even thought me a braggart and left.  Though I am proud of it and the opportunities its given me, I'm far from bragging when posting so much about this little poetry book as Facebook has been my only resource and means of selling the book.  I'm currently taking a friend's advice and will be setting up Twitter and Instagram accounts.  I may start a YouTube someday down the line but for now everything I'm saying is on this blog.

Though my first book is not really known beyond people that know me I'm pleased with it as a first.  I think about things like George Lucas making THX-1138 (my favorite of his btw) and it nearly bankrupting American Zoetrope along with pissing off the film's financiers and homeboy went on to make Star Wars.  Gun Control for Polar Bears didn't bankrupt Supposed Crimes or set them back or make them hate me for putting it out so I'm feeling pretty good about it.  Someday when it's out of print, I'll still have a copy on my shelves.  That alone is a weird thing to me; I always dreamt of having one of my own books aside the others I have on my bookshelf and, now that I have that, it's not something I really think about.  I just keep working.  It makes me wonder if when I "make it" if I will even take notice.

It's been a busy year.  This past month I've finished two horror anthologies and rewrote two screenplays.  Now I'm about to jump into some sci-fi work before editing a couple of more screenplays.  It's always a weird feeling for me when I finish something because there's a small moment afterwards where I don't know what to do with myself, having just poured myself into something that's now done.  I won't lie, when I'm not writing, I feel a bit worthless and purposeless.  Then it takes a moment before jumping right back into that feeling with the next project and then the cycle repeats itself.  Right now I'm in that state in between works which is why I'm posting so much today, just letting out everything as I'm going through it.  I've never had writer's block, that affliction tends to stay clear of me.  I'm usually hit with constant interruptions or writer's doubt.  Regardless of how much I love or believe in something, I end up getting that mopy feeling of "Is any of this any good?  I'm I doing the right thing?"  Frustrations and irritations build to the point where part of me wonders if I should continue but writing/creating is the only thing I've ever actually been good at.  Of course, most of this could very well have nothing to do with being a writer and just to do with having Multiple Sclerosis and the feelings of doubt and depression that come with it.  But there are people out there doing worse than myself so I don't really talk about my MS much anymore unless it's in jest.

My wife had wanted me to start a blog for sometime and when I finally did (I called it Beavertown Productions because we live in the grand metropolis of Bevier, a tiny town, and I jokingly refer to it as Beavertown) it was mainly to get my work out and to help build my name.  Interesting side-note: I've often read about writers who complain about how they don't want to be a brand, they just want to write their stories; but to me it would seem that if you're a creator and you're trying to be known so people will look at your stories, you're essentially building a brand and the brand is you.  Just my take on it anyway.  As time has gone on I've decided I also want to talk about what else is going on throughout processes and all.  I've always wanted writers to talk about what actually goes on and I'm nowhere near a great, famous author (not even known beyond my circle) I'm still a writer and I still want to open the windows and let people in to what goes on in my mind and life during this journey.

Tomorrow I turn 32 and though I'm not where I want or expected to be at this age, I'm not where I was when I was about to turn 31.  I think we could all keep that in mind in times of frustration, we're further than what we were, and we're continuing to move on.  Onward and upward. 

Much love.