Before the first one was published I was trying to find my way as a writer only to be ignored by most publishers. Not a rejection of "No" or "It's no good" but swept under the rug. I've talked to my friend Jeffery Potts about feeling like a toxic writer who nobody would touch. My wife suggested I release a poetry book. I told her I had one sitting on the computer. She said to do something with it. I sent out Gun Control for Polar Bears, and while publishers were quick to tell me how much they loved the title and how intrigued they were by it, they wouldn't publish me. I understand poetry's place in the modern world. It used to be popular and more important, now it's a very niche thing. Supposed Crimes picked it up and though it came out to crickets, it got me a chance to attempt to write a novel - the upcoming Last Rites of the Capacitance. While it was being formed and I was playing the waiting game, I did what I've always done and worked on countless things. I was growing antsy with a lack of patience. I remembered I had another collection of poetry. But I'll be honest, I was a little apprehensive about submitting it for different reasons. 1 - after the first one fell on deaf ears, I doubted my publisher would want to take the chance on another one. And 2 - I'd been looking at it for so long that I practically grew to hate it. I guess that happens with anything. The magic lost and all you see is something you wrote long ago, from a writer you no longer are.
I emailed Christy Case (Supposed Crimes owner and publisher) and asked if she'd be interested in another poetry book, expecting to hear "Eeeehhhh, maybe not." To my surprise, she said yes. I edited and sent it in. She did an edit and sent it back. I did a final. Then I did the art. I had an image for it many many moons ago but had it no longer. I tried to replicate it to no avail so I just came up with another minimalist piece. As we waited for Last Rites of the Capacitance to take shape through many edits, the physical copies of Reflections were printed and sent to the house. Still not excited about it as I was the only one other than Christy to see it and I was still on the fence about the material. As I said, I've been looking at it for too long.
NOTE: One thing a lot of people don't realize is by the time a book gets in the hands of a reader, the writer's seen it more times than they care to count.
My wife was reading it and approached me in the kitchen with an exhausted sigh. She told me how Reflections at Various Speeds was hard to read. I thought 'Oh shit, my hating it is justified. It's terrible!' I asked if it was bad. She said, "No, it's good. It just feels so intimate. Almost too intimate." We've had our copies for some time and I recently picked it up to thumb through it, and with enough time away from it, I got a fresh look at it. I don't feel like I did staring at it on the computer for years. I actually enjoy it and, yeah, some of it seems a bit heavy or intimate. There's still the experimental weirdness like some of the pieces in Gun Control but it's a different feel. It's definitely a more personal feel I suppose. You don't know until fresh eyes see it. Until someone else reads it, it's just something the old you wrote.
Interestingly enough, many years ago I attempted to make it as an art book. In my previous relationship, my ex was a sometimes artist. I presented to her the idea of an art piece with a poem on each page. She agreed. Then she read it and declined saying that she thought I was writing about other girls before her. So it continued to lay dormant. When my wife now reads it she doesn't say it's about other girls or whatever but she just says it feels too close, too intimate. I knew I wanted to do something with it despite my glaring at it for so long. I'm happy it's out and happy someone else can read it with fresh eyes, whatever their reaction may be.
Jeff, I still feel like the toxic writer.
I have written and started work on more things than anyone would ever guess. I'd been convinced for a while now that nobody will know who I am until about my tenth book. I'm still putting in the work trying to build a readership. I've read, heard, and seen a lot of writers talk about money and deals but a readership is the most important thing. I suppose it's hard to build one on such a small thing as poetry but I'm hoping you all get to see what else I can do. My horror anthology Sharp Items & Bad Intentions is available on Amazon and my scifi novel will be out in less than a month. With all that said, I hope you guys check out Reflections at Various Speeds and, furthermore, I hope you find something in it you enjoy.
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