Letting Go

We grew up poor, my family and I.  We moved so much one would think our parents were in the military and were stationed and re-stationed to countless towns.  It's always weird to me when people talk about having a childhood home, or a hometown for that matter, as it's not something I'd known.  When people would hear about how much we'd moved growing up, we'd get either the military question or the troublemaker assumption.  It was all quite simpler - we couldn't afford where we were living anymore and we had to try to find somewhere else that might end up better for us; but, more often than not, it all turned out to be the same for us.  An endless cycle.  Leaving so much, I've had to learn to let go; though, not a conscious decision of course.  I'm part of the last generation that didn't grow up with social media so it was easy to lose touch after leaving yet again.  I've lost a lot of friends and potential loves.  It was hard to keep friends and start relationships.  It always hurt leaving people behind but it was instinctual and imperative to just keep moving.  I think it especially hurt starting said bonds once it got in my brain that it wouldn't last, we'd be leaving again.  Again, there was no other choice but to keep moving.  Of course this would happen again after high school - something we all go through.  

I still miss everyone I've left behind, even those who've forgotten me entirely.  I even miss my friends I speak to on social media; it's just not the same as having them around.  But we all have our lives to live and we all have to move forward.  It's just life.  For the most part I've become numb to it, something that pisses me off just as much as the loss itself.  But having to let go as much as I have growing up, I've taken that into my work...

I've always heard about creators being precious or even too precious with their work.  I'm trying to think of any of my work to which I've been teetering on overly precious about and I can't think of any.  I wanted to be solely a screenwriter but now I'm primarily writing books, something of a happy accident.  I've done tons of research of screenwriters and what they go through - most of which talk about being precious about the work only to have it bought and rewritten or heavily revised - and, as a result, being devastated.  I've always understood this going into it but I've just recently realized what it comes down to is my upbringing of having to let go.  If I can't be precious about people I've had to leave after forming a bond with, how could I really be precious about imaginary people? 

I'm still working on my screenwriting craft and I'm finally figuring out where I'd went wrong prior.  I've been in a weird place where my book writing is too script-like and my screenwriting is too book-like.  

I pour everything I have into everything I write, often putting in very personal insights into myself.  Even in doing so, I'm not too precious with the work.  I figure, all I can do is write it and whatever happens, happens.  I rarely have something that I'm yearning to write, something I need to write.  Most of my stories/projects are things that I simply want to read/see.  I'm a packrat when it comes to ideas.  Even lesser ideas, I'll find a way to fit them in something.  I've always heard "write what you know" but I like to look at is as "write what interests you" so all of my projects - no matter how big or small, no matter how silly or serious - are just things that interest me and things I WANT to happen.  Nothing I can't let go once finished.  I know it all sounds kind of stupid, "How could you NOT be in love with your work if you're a writer!?"  Well, I DO love it.  I love it all.  But, as I've stated, I've been conditioned to let go what I love.  Whether it's friends, family, or those of romantic interest, I've had to say goodbye and move on.  When you create something, whether you're writing or drawing or what have you, it's something that's a part of you.  So, with having to let go of external entities, I (or We for fellow creators) have had to let go of myself as well.  Instead of being too precious, or obsessed, over one project, I finish one and move on to the next. 

With all this said, something's been on my mind for a short while now.  An idea for a novel.  Usually when I get ideas, especially ones I'm particularly excited about, it's a thought of 'That'd be really cool, I'd love to do that some day.'  But this idea...this one has been haunting me.  It had revealed itself to me as a mere seed some time before our current social and political climate.  It showed up again recently only more aggressive.  It had come to my attention - through its aggression no doubt - that this is the time that it needs to be written.  Subconsciously, our current national situation has watered the previously revealed seed.  As said, the idea (which is titled, to be announced later) has been haunting me, lingering around as I work on my various creative wants.  It's a different feeling.  It's not the feeling of being 'so cool' and 'really wanting to do it' - it's heavy, I have to do this.  It's not letting me forget it or let it go.  I would say I find myself thinking about it while watching TV, playing video games, or working on other things - but that would be a passive oversimplification.  It's as if it's standing in the room with me, over my shoulder, demanding my attention.  I'm now in a place where I'm afraid.  I'm scared of screwing it up.  Such a fear that I'm not really used to.  Most things are experiments to me; when writing my first novel Last Rites of the Capacitance it was a feeling of 'I've never written a book before, let's just see if I can do it.  If I can't, I can't.  If I can, that would be great' - but I've never really been afraid of dropping the ball.  I feel as if someone, something handed this to me and it's now my responsibility.  I know I need to take my time with it so I don't rush it and fumble but I feel like I can't let it sit too long.  In the past, I've rested on projects too long to where they withered and died but, again, they were wants and interests rather than needs.  It feels greatly important, even if it's just to myself.  I'm continuing my current slate of projects while carefully nurturing this one.  

I don't know if anyone else will get out of it exactly what it means to me as a writer - the severity of the feeling of having to do it, and to do it justice - but it's something to feel precious about, something I can't let go or, rather, won't let go of me.  Time will tell. 

And now it's time to get back to work.  I hope you all have a great day. 

Busy Busy Update - #StayGrinding

I haven't posted in awhile.  To say I've been busy is an understatement.  In the last month I've been-

• Recording the audiobook for Gun Control for Polar Bears along with doing some more extensive promotion for it. 
• Trying to pimp out Tourniquet.
• Lettering/writing another comic from Dennis Magnant called Anhedonia which takes place in the same world as Tourniquet. 
• Prepping a family book I'll be printing within the next month or so. 
• Writing/prepping a scifi book that I'll be self releasing/printing also in the next month or so. 
• Animating a little bit for a short film. 
• Continuing the art series Coma's End.
• Fleshing out a thriller book I've had around for a bit. 
• Kicking around film ideas along with more animation ideas.
• And finally going back to clean up a couple of screenplays. Leaving them for a bit I think has actually helped me. Going back to them, I've seen where I'd gone wrong; essentially writing them as pitches instead of actual screenplays. 

Along with all this, there's a lot more on my plate. Things being prepped and planned. I'm really hoping to get things done and out before the release of my first sci-fi novel Last Rites of the Capacitance in May.

Recently I had to stay the night at the hospital for a sleep test. It's amazing to me that they're trying to test me and see how I sleep while covering me with wires and tubes. As it turns out I have sleep apnea. It was one of the most uncomfortable nights in recent memory. I even took a Melatonin, but couldn't get relaxed with the wires and tubes, etc, etc. Now I have to go back for another test at the end of the month with the C-Pap mask. By the way, halfway through the night, the guy came in and tried to put said apparatus on me but the strap was too small for my fat head - so tight that it was shoving my nose harshly deeper into my face. Luckily I've been dropping weight lately and weight loss is said to help with sleep apnea. 

So yeah, been trying my damnedest to get work done. I have a lot to do and real life (be it illness, bills, chores, or what have you) gets in the way as you know. 

I hope you all are safe and happy-- a lot of people tend neglect their own happiness while trying to survive this life, I'm no different.  It's a hard balance sometimes, survival and actual happiness, but I'm still searching and still trying to find the balance, and I hope you all do the same. 

#StayGrinding