InfomercialHead

INFOMERCIALHEAD

CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL CARTER

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-THE AFTERMATH-

Silence and the light of a television; an infomercial on mute. The Latina woman on screen was beautiful in her red dress. The ad was selling a new knife; apparently the sharpest on the market. She presented the knife with a smile as bright as the gleam on the blade itself. Brief images of the product in use flashed quickly – a chicken carcass being broken down, the knife thrown and planted into the head of a life-size dummy, and a block of ice being chipped at with ease. After cutting a can of vegetables, she tapped the tip of the knife before retracting her hand and putting her finger in her mouth. The woman turned to the camera with her sharp smile and held up the product.

The channel changed to another infomercial; this one selling the new top of the line raincoats. People passed one another on the sidewalk on a rainy day and noticed each other’s attire: raincoats in assorted colors. They pointed at each other with big smiles, forgetting the downpour. They’re fashionable and practical as the mix of younger and older customers showed. The rainy day setting had changed to a multicolored greenscreen backdrop with various actors modelling the slicker. Through clips it proved to be easily washable – dirt, mud, blood, and food came off with no deep scrub needed.

The channel cut and snow clouded the TV screen. Electric insects swarming and fighting for screen time. The fuzzy blank channel stayed before starting to ripple like a stone in water, while keeping its snowy frenetic aesthetic. Its busy visual was an about-face to its silence. The pixelated waters raged beneath as the ripples became waves, splashing electric. Turbulence. Visions appeared behind the wall of fuzz but only faint. Shadows of mental programming. In an instant the snow, the waves, and the figures were sucked into a black hole as the TV shut off. Darkness.

“…Not too sure when the dreams started and not too sure they’ve ended. Dreams are scary. Reality’s depressing. Of course all of this could very well be a nightmare. Will I ever wake up? I’d quit if I could find a peaceful reality to do so in.”

“When was it you started using?”

Benjamin sat in the psychiatrist’s office, disheveled and confused. Though his exterior was mild mannered, inside he carried a bottled nervous energy. His fingertips were rough from years of nail biting. The fingers tapped and fidgeted. The doctor was an older man whose suit was almost as gray as his hair. He matched his office quite well with an air of professionalism. Ben, however, stood out like a spike in an EKG. He wore jeans, a t-shirt with a winking skull on it, and his brown leather jacket, completed by his old school Chuck Taylor Converse shoes, ratty and worn. His clothes were as shabby as his sleepless appearance, wrinkled and in need of a wash. Benjamin was thin with messy short brown hair and barely a five o’clock shadow. Unkempt with the dark circles around his eyes belonging to a man much older than he.

A stacked desk, a full bookcase, a locked filing cabinet, and a couple of large leather chairs filled this office. Certifications and photos hung on the walls. Ben and the doctor sat in the chairs cattycorner to one another. The doctor looked at him awaiting an answer while Ben looked out, not really looking at anything, but searching.

“I can’t remember to be honest.” Benjamin answered with a slight shake of his head. “Not coming to me.”

“What about these dreams you keep having?” The doctor asked with his pen poised.

“What about them?” The young man turned his direction towards the doctor, more focused and involved in the conversation.

“When did they start?”

The doctor sat with his legs crossed, chewing on his pen. He was an older man and, besides a bit of a gut, he seemed to be in fairly good health. His suit held no wrinkle or blemish. Though his hair was a deep gray, his beard still held wisps of black but he knew they wouldn't be there forever and his face would soon match the hair on his head. Unlike his patient he was well trimmed and groomed. The bite marks on the end of his pen revealed his chewing on the utensil to be a habit for him.

“Can’t remember. I’ve tried though. …Tried to figure out what it all stems from.” He pondered.

While his dry demeanor may have suggested against it, this doctor did indeed care about his patients. The psychiatrist’s eyebrows scrunched up a bit at Benjamin’s statement, wondering the same thing. He wanted to make sure he didn't project an assumed answer onto the young man. Nothing to sway Benjamin on his journey to discovering the root.

“And have you come to any conclusions?”

“No…” Ben shook his head and shrugged. “Could be anything, really. Maybe it’s all just rehashing.”

Ben sat his face on his closed hand and looked down, trying to search deep into what even he meant; but such a depth was uncertain with fragmented memories and an insomniac's nightmares. The doctor sat, watching the sad man for a moment. Though he wanted to give him time on his mental search, his curiosity was piqued.

“Rehashing?”

His search into a dark grab-bag of uncertainty ended prematurely with the break in the silence. Benjamin looked at his doctor as if he forgot he was in the room before sitting up a little and straightening.

“When I was a kid, circa twelve or thirteen, I used to have these fucked up dreams about gangs of thugs breaking into our home. The doorbell would ring and I had a gut instinct it was gonna be bad. I’d climb up into a crawl space above the closet, hear the shots, and wait for the chaos to end. Then crawl down and deal with the aftermath.”

The repetitive motion of the doctor's teeth ceased as he stopped chewing on his pen and his eyebrows pulled up. His jaw rested as he processed what his patient had revealed.

“Well…”

“Sometimes I think it was all real and this is the aftermath.” He motioned to himself and around him.

Benjamin became a little more animated in his post story thoughts, but it was short lived. He wasn't prone to spurts of excitement too often in these sessions.

“Interesting.” Genuine in his comment, the doctor wrote Ben’s story down alongside the plethora of thoughts and fears shared, along with personal notations.

Ben rubbed his head in his hands, scared by the hypothesis he voiced.

“More like confusing. Mind boggling.”

“Around what time does the gang arrive in your dream?” He asked, ever straight-faced.

Silence took the place of any stock answer he may have had. Benjamin was thrown off by the question and he slowly shrugged with a slight wince as he began to think.

“I don’t know. It was night time, I remember that.” Ben nodded.

“Okay, do you think that may be why you’re having a harder time at night because of that?”

“I don’t know, but if that is the case, then why all of a sudden? Why the gap of years in time between?”

Ben wanted answers. The doctor sought them out as well, though for professional reasons. If he could only break through the barriers that Benjamin had inadvertently built, he could help others like him. But were these blinders or walls self-constructed or were they tailor made for him?

“Not sure. Tell me, Ben, how do you spend your nights?”

“I’m not sure anymore.” Benjamin scoffed. “I know I end it with watching hours of infomercials until I drift.”

“Infomercials? Really?” The doctor wrote more and more. His hand trying to keep up with his thoughts on the matter and his pen trying to give all the ink willed of it.

“Yeah, I don’t know why. They’re on mute half the time.” Ben seemed more interested in the session. He hadn't really thought about them in regards to the reasons for these meetings, or to anything of importance really. “But it’s an interesting question because I know I hang out with my girlfriend and friends almost every day so it would be a given that my nights would be the same. But I don’t know. It feels different. I’m trying to put my finger on it. And the more I think and try to solve the questions, the more I… drift…” Benjamin drifted off. His eyelids came down slowly, appearing too tired to fully close, and he slumped back and down in his seat.

A silent moment passed as the doctor finished writing. He waited a minute longer, looking over notes as the pen returned to his mouth. He wondered what was going through Ben's unconscious mind before looking at the clock. He cleared his throat but Benjamin was out and no sudden noise was breaking through at this point.

“Ben. Ben? Benjamin!” The doctor nudged the sleeping man.

Ben woke. He rubbed his eyes and looked around, confused if not slightly scared.

“Wha-what? Huh?”

“Time’s up, Ben.” He said, putting a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“Was I out again?” He looked up to the doctor, concerned.

“Yes.” He nodded. “If I were you, I’d go see someone about that. I know in the last session you’d said doctors had ruled out narcolepsy but I really advise you to discuss this with a specialist.”

Benjamin stretched and yawned while the doctor pulled out a small notepad.

“No, it’s probably just lack of sleep or something.” Benjamin shrugged it off, rubbing the back of his neck.

He wrote Ben’s next appointment on a sheet, ripped it out, and handed it to him.

“Alright, I’ll be seeing you.”

They shook hands.

“Alright, thanks, Doc. Take it easy.”

“You, too, Ben.”

Benjamin turned and took a deep breath in and exhaled before leaving as the doctor closed the door behind him.

-YOU NEED IT MORE THAN I DO-

Benjamin took the long way home. His breath was visible but the chill didn’t concern him as much as what was on his mind. Walking in his gray environment, he watched cars pass. People with normal lives going on about their day. Few others were out walking, with slight shivers while clutching personal items close. He didn't pay attention to the odd fact that he was numb to the low temperatures; he just walked and watched. The barrier between Benjamin and reality remained unidentified even to him. He wondered if any of the others out and about had felt as lost as him. The thought of that feeling being universal instantly came to mind but he struggled with how long he would be forced to carry that feeling. Commuters drove past while he was perpetually in park; mentally and emotionally trying to move but stuck in a quicksand only he could see or feel. No one spoke to him in passing, nor did he acknowledge them. His legs moved as if on autopilot while the vision of his surroundings narrowed to the path ahead.

He turned on to his block. The street appeared harmless, not that he would've noticed otherwise. Home was up ahead. His house was simple; didn’t really stick out from the other homes. White with some chipping and definitely in need of a paint job, but no more than some of the other houses in the neighborhood. The bushes around the side of the structure were in need of maintenance as well but getting to that was nowhere in his mind. He hopped up the steps to the front porch and checked his mail. Nothing.

The inside of his house was bland; brown walls with no décor and curtains that were rarely opened. If they were even to be moved by now the dust would surely cloud the living room. This interior appeared simultaneously lived in and barren, as if it were in search of the same answers as the man who lived there. The monotone soundscape was only offset by a ringing in the air; a cold, incessant beeping. Benjamin entered, kicking the door shut behind him, and took off his jacket on his way to the ringing phone in the kitchen.

“Hello?” He answered the cordless phone while dropping his jacket on a nearby chair. 

Benjamin leaned up against the kitchen counter while on the phone. The faint fidgeting on the other line told him who it was before she spoke.

“Hey, sweetie, it’s mom. Just calling to see how you were doing.” Beverly said on the other end.

“I’m fine, mom. Same as any other day, I guess.”

Hardly engaged in the conversation, Ben looked around for something in the cupboards. His kitchen didn’t look too much more exciting than his living room; just white counters with white cabinets. Chips in the paint and wear-and-tear throughout, knife cuts on the counter. His refrigerator and stove were both an off-colored-eggshell tone, both showing signs of their own wear along the need of a cleaning. Old food long stuck around the burners of the stove and tinted stains from repeated touch of human oils along the side of the refrigerator's door. The film on the bottom of the dish drainer had been needed to be scraped out for some time as well. The linoleum floor, continually scuffed by daily traffic, would need more than a mop. Phone to his ear, he looked around his kitchen with the thought of upkeep as distant as his mother's fidgeting, scrambling for conversation.

“Hold on, hon, I’ve got a beep.” The call cut. Silence.

He pulled away as his eyes looked over to the phone in confusion.

“Ah, put on hold by my own mother… amazing.” He rolled his eyes in irritation.

“Benjamin, dear, I’m gonna have to let you go for now. That was Jack, he’s gonna take me out tonight. So bye, sweetie.” She said in a delightful yet vacant tone.

“Bye mom.” He hung up the phone. “Who the fuck is Jack?”

The blinking light pulled his eyes down to his answering machine. For a brief second he wrestled with whether or not he even wanted to hear them; after all, it may just have been his mother leaving a message before calling again to finally get him. He exhaled and shrugged, pressed play, and left the room.

“Hey bro, it’s Sheila. Mom called me all worried about you so I figured I’d check up on you. Just call me back when you get this.” His sister said.

BEEP

“Hey baby, just seeing if you’re okay. We haven’t talked in a few days… You can talk to me about this you know. Look, I love you; just call me later, k?” Carrie said in her light and loving tone.

BEEP

“End of messages.” The mechanical female voice said.

Benjamin returned. He looked through his ratty kitchen. Dirty dishes were stacked everywhere. Not an absurd amount, but someone had definitely been slacking. Then again, the dishes were most certainly as old as the food cooked onto the stovetop. The last time any of it was used was anyone's guess. A lonely darkness. The fridge opened as he looked in. Nothing. Besides the old food even a desperate man wouldn't touch, it was empty.

“Fucking figures.”

The darkness returned. The cabinet opened as Ben found it bare, save for one glass. In need of a dusting, this one cupboard represented the house well, looking like a fixer-upper that's just been moved into. But it was his home, a combination of every home he's lived in or visited; they all looked the same to him. Vacant while holding the one thing he was looking for; of course, all he saw was the emptiness. Benjamin sighed and took the lone glass out.

He turned on the faucet after blowing into the glass and filled it with water. The stream from the faucet echoed in his ears and soon converged with splashing waves. As he turned it off, a child's scream, faint and distant, joined the squeak of the faucet's handle. Ben looked at the full glass for a moment and took a drink, nearly choking on the rolling waves headed toward his unguarded throat, and mentally retreated...

Benjamin was just a little boy at the local pool when he became a target. A sunny summer day that started as benign as any other. He hadn't been in the pool and his blue trunks weren't even wet yet. Adults were all paying attention to their children while Benjamin was without a parent, as was his tormentors; a chubby white boy and a tall biracial boy, both in black shorts. Benjamin looked around frantically, seeing everyone having a fun time. Nobody was paying attention to the two boys pushing him around. Anyone who happened to see the interaction passed it off as mere horseplay.

“Beeeenjaamiiiin. Beeenjamiiiin.” The bullies taunted him.

They pulled Ben by the arms. Kids ran around playing. The cheers, screams, and laughter drowned out to his terrified young ears. Everyone but the bullies seemed inaudible to Benjamin in his moment of need. He struggled to no avail.

“No, no guys, I can’t swim. No!”

Ben flailed and fought but wasn’t strong enough. He tried to plant his feet but they slid along the slick surface. The boys had a strong hold of both wrists. Tears of fear streamed. After a couple of pulls they threw him up and in the pool. Falling seemed to take forever to the young boy’s mind. Contact. He hit the surface with the sharpness of breaking through a glass wall.

Benjamin came to, standing in his kitchen and dropped his glass. He looked down, watching it fall; a long journey plummeting in its freefall, whistling like a bomb dropping. He watched blankly as it stopped in midair.

“At times like this, do you ever wonder how long you fall before you break?”

The glass hit the floor to the falling bomb’s explosion with its tremors rumbling and echoing. Glass shards spread out spilling the water everywhere around his still feet.

“Not long.”

He stood still, staring down at the jagged mess, spaced out. A distant clunking sounded, and then again…

He snapped out of it to find his girlfriend knocking at the backdoor, a few feet from where he stood. She had already tried the door a couple of times but now knocking seemed just as helpful. His claustrophobic vision of the memory had faded and all that was left was his destitute kitchen with a jaggedly soiled floor. Carrie watched him in his post-trance stance, wondering why he wasn’t getting the door. Though he looked at her, she questioned whether or not he actually saw her. She exhaled with an expression of disappointment steeped in irritation.

“Yo, Benjamin!” She called, still knocking with her knuckles beginning to wear.

His eyelids blinked rapidly and his focus recalibrated. He stepped over and opened the door. Part of him could feel her annoyance while the part still getting with it was wondering how long she'd been there.

“Oh, sorry.” He said, letting her in and rubbing his eyes.

Carrie wore a black and gray striped sweater and jeans and her pale yet clear complexion was topped with her long red hair. She was roughly Ben's height as she looked at him and around his kitchen.

“Jeez, babe, what did you do? Go deaf?” Her gaze on him and his odd behavior was sharp.

“Ah, something like that.” He scratched his head, not really sure how to truthfully respond.

Carrie stepped in a bit more, looking him and his kitchen over again. She looked into his eyes and kissed him. The kiss was brief with an audible crunch interrupting. She stopped and looked down, taking a step back.

“Whoa, you know you got some glass here.”

“Yeah, I just dropped it.” He nodded, still trying to get back to planet earth.

“Here, I’ll get it.” She said and set her bag down.

Carrie crouched down and pushed up her sleeves. She eyed the shattered glass glistening in its water gloss, scared and worried for what was ailing him. As she reached down to pick up the pieces, Benjamin bent down to stop her, and stood her up.

“No. I dropped it. I’ll pick it up. Don’t worry about it.”

“I guess you didn’t get my message yesterday?” She asked.

“I just got it.” He motioned to the machine amidst the random items on the chaotic counter. A feeling of deflation overcame him and he averted his eyes from both Carrie and his answering machine. “I’ve been out.”

He sluggishly stepped over and pulled out the only chair without assorted junk mail and knickknacks. She saw the mood shift and watched as he sat down at his small kitchen table staring blankly ahead before hanging his head.

“You stay at your mom’s?”

“That’s what I was trying to figure out on the way home from my appointment.” He said in deep thought. “…Nah, I’m pretty sure I slept here, honestly.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, hoping he was right while trying to think of the truth and was getting nowhere. She was lost with fear and irritation twisting around one another to form something else. Carrie didn't know whether to be angry with Benjamin or to feel bad for him. Though part of her wanted to, she abstained from lashing out at him with an awakening slap followed by, "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

“Well, what’s going on with you?” She asked and waited in silence.

Carrie sighed, walked behind him, and rubbed his shoulders.

“I keep…” He struggled, painfully, trying to explain. “Spacing out and falling asleep, then after that I don’t know if I’m awake or what.”

She stopped rubbing and thought about it.

“Aw, baby, you having those nightmares again?” She worried and then continued massaging him. “I thought you were doing better.”

“I thought so too but these are different.” He stared out with eyes searching for the answer, however stationary.

“How so?” She stopped rubbing again to pay attention and listen closely.

“Remember those dreams I told you I had as a kid?” He asked, turning back to her.

Carrie quickly thought.

“The ones with the violent gang?” She was pretty sure those were the ones but still guessed.

“Those would be them.” He groaned and nodded.

“Why do you think those are coming back?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.”

“I wish I could figure it out for you but I can’t.” She rubbed his back.

“I know it.” Ben took her hand, kissing it.

“You’ll get there. Maybe stop thinking about it for a little bit; might be something right in front of you.” She ran her fingers through his messy hair.

“Yeah, I gotta stop thinking about it first.” He sighed.

“Well, start there.” She kissed him on the cheek. “I gotta be at work in a few minutes. So get some rest and when I get off work we’ll go out and do something. Okay?”

“Okay.” Ben said with a nod.

“Love you.” She told him.

They kissed.

“Love you.”

She got to the door, stopped, and turned around.

“If I were you, I’d get this glass up before someone steps on it.”

She left, shutting the door behind her.

Benjamin kneeled down with the groan of a man much older than him. He began to pick up the bigger pieces of glass with one hand and putting them in the other. A piece slipped down too far and cut into his hand.

“Ah.” He winced, holding his hand.

The shards fell off of his palm and he looked at the cut. Blood spilled out. His eyes locked onto the pumping red and spaced out…

Another time. Another house. Ben walked downstairs.

“Hey guys, you see where Carrie went?” Benjamin asked.

Zeke and Jeff sat on the couch playing a video game. Zeke was redheaded while Jeff was blonde, bumming around in their typical jeans and old faded t-shirts, all of which could’ve used an iron.

“I think she’s in the bathroom or something.” Zeke answered.

Benjamin exited. Brothers Zeke and Jeff continued their game.

“Haha! Boom, bitch, I got you!” Jeff shouted.

“Aw man…”

Benjamin knocked on the bathroom door.  

“Ah! Uh, occupied.” Carrie said, startled.

Ben heard a clatter. Despite curiosity he proceeded with his question.

“Hey babe, I need to take these movies back. Do you wanna come with?”

“Um, you know why don’t you go ahead and go without me.”

He heard it again, that racket.

“What was that?” He asked. “Carrie, are you doing it again!?”

And with more noise he became more nervous and frustrated.

“No, I’m just uh trying to find some damn aspirin.” She said with frustration audible in her voice.

Benjamin opened the door to find Carrie sitting on the edge of the tub cutting her upper arm with a razor. Just what he was afraid of. Blood was spilt across her white skin; she’s cut deep this time.

“No. Stop it!” He yelled. “Give me that.”

He quickly moved to her and took the razor out of her hand, tossing it across the room. He moved her down to the floor in his arms.

“No, stop, no!” She screamed.

Benjamin held her, rocking her back and forth as she cried.

“Shh… it’s okay. It’s okay.” He told her softly. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“I’m gonna quit, I promise. I promise.” She whimpered.

Zeke and Jeff stood in the doorway watching.

“Holy shit!” Zeke shouted.

“That’s fucked up, dude.” Jeff added.

Benjamin looked up to see the two in the doorway wearing disturbed faces.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Ben commanded.

He got up and slammed the bathroom door and instantly…

Benjamin came to and his hand was now covered in blood.

“Oh shit.”

He stood up to the sink and started rinsing his hand off. The bloody water slowly spun down the drain.

He walked to the bathroom and dug around in the cabinet for a moment before finding gauss. He took it out and wrapped his hand. Checking the cabinet again he took out some generic pain medicine. After popping a few he leaned over and cupped water from the faucet and swallowed.

The glass was swept up and he left the kitchen. Ben walked into the living room and sat down on the couch to turn on the TV. Nothing but snow. He flipped around channel to channel but it was all the same.

“Should have known; not even my reception is stable.”

Ben muted the TV and propped his feet up on the coffee table. Benjamin thought to himself for a moment, wagging his feet in a tapping rhythm before noticing The Bible next to his sneakers. Black with gold lettering. He brought his feet down, sitting up, and picked up the book.

Some time ago, a get-together had gone wrong. His mother stood nervously in her blouse and dress pants. The glass of water in her hand shook. Ben and Carrie wore jerseys and shorts for the big game, but the game wasn’t to be watched as Ben became erratic. There were angry tears in his eyes as he stood in a very defensive stance. His mother was caught off guard. Sheila wasn’t as surprised but she was definitely not happy about his outburst. His sister was older than him by about ten years; average build with shoulder length dark hair while wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Carrie sat crying with her head in her hands wishing it would stop.

“How dare you bring up his name in my house! The fucking nerve! Get out. Now! Get the fuck out!” Benjamin screamed with his irritation taking over any rational thought.

While screaming Ben took his mother’s glass and threw it across the room. Beverly backed up and grabbed her purse. Sheila left the room taking a distraught Carrie with her.

“What did I do?! How did I go wrong?” Beverly asked with tears in her eyes.

“Just leave me alone! Damn it!” He pointed to the door.

His mom took her Bible out of her black and white striped bag and set it down on a side table.

“Here, take this. You need it more than I do. God help you!”

Beverly left. Ben picked up the Bible and hurled it at the door. It flew through the air about to make contact when…

He came to again sitting on his couch, blinking and rubbing his eyes. The memory faded and he was alone again. Ben opened the book and began to read.

-STARTING TO SCARE MYSELF-

Ben’s mom and sister were on the phone. Beverly appeared clueless and gleeful while Sheila, though concerned about her brother, was frustrated.

“I just talked to him earlier. He sounds tired, that’s all.” Beverly said nonchalantly.

“He always sounds tired, Mom.” Sheila replied, her aggravation evident in her tone.

“Maybe he’s sick.” She proposed.

“Mom, you know what it is.”

“No, my Benji’s a good boy.”

A moment of silence passed while Sheila looked at the phone suspiciously. Beverly sat with a medicated smile while rocking.

“Are you still taking those pills?” Sheila asked her mother.

“When I need them. Why?”

“Because they’re not good for you and you need to stop.”

“Oh, they’re fine. The doctor gave them to me.”

“Mom, not everything the doctors give people are good. They’re drugs and you need to stop taking them.”

“My word, Sheila, your mother’s not a drug addict.” She informed her. “Young lady, who are you to question your mother? Taking drugs. The nerve.”

“Alright, mom, whatever. I gotta get back to work.”

Benjamin was passed out on the couch with the Bible in his lap, lit by the light of TV snow. Jesus Christ rose from behind the couch. Looking down at Ben he revealed from behind him a flaming sword. Christ lifted the flaming sword and swiped down.

Ben woke up startled. He looked around: no flaming-sword-wielding Jesus, just Carrie knocking at the door. She came in. Benjamin was still confused.

“Can’t even answer your door anymore?” She asked.

“Uh, sorry, I uh uh.” He wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“Space out again?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Jeez, babe, you should really start getting some sleep. What have you been doing for the past few weeks anyway?”

He paused, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Carrie tried to get to the bottom of this; this mystery of a man and his mind.

“Have you gone brain-dead, Ben? You’ve been cooped up for almost three weeks now.”

Benjamin stood up looking a little scared and defensive.

“What the hell has been going on around here anyway? I come home from my appointment today and my mom’s callin’ all worried. My sister’s wantin’ to know what’s goin’ on, you’re freakin’ out on me, and I just don’t know.”

Carrie reached for him as slow as she would approach a dog she doesn’t know.

“You’re asking the same question as everyone else, Ben. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

He pushed her hands away and sat back down. Ben sunk his head down into his hands.

“Well, where have you been staying?”

“I’m certain I’ve been staying here. I just don’t always remember going to sleep or waking up…or if I am awake.”

Carrie didn’t like how this was sounding at all. Her face scrunched up slightly and her curiosity rose.

“Is there someone else?”

What she asked hurt and was quite the sucker punch. Benjamin loved Carrie with all his heart. He stopped and slowly turned to her.

“Whoa, what? No. I love you, Carrie; I’m just having some problems.”

Carrie was timid in asking any further.

“I’d say so. Look, I know we promised to not bring it up again but… are you still using?” She asked hesitantly.

Benjamin was still confused. He looked sad and scared, and couldn’t get a handle on things.

“I don’t think I have lately. I can’t remember, honestly.” He threw his arms up briefly.

“Have you talked to Zeke lately?” She asked.

“Not for almost a month. That’s why I don’t think I’ve used lately.” He shrugged.

Confusion hit Carrie.

“Babe, Zeke’s in rehab.”

Benjamin’s head jerked over at her so swift it almost gave him whiplash.

“In rehab!? Zeke!?”

Benjamin was legitimately shocked. Carrie was trying to assess the situation so she approached it gently. She pulled her hair behind her ear.

“Well, when Jeff died he broke down and finally decided to check himself in.” She explained.

His facial expression dropped and it didn’t take long to process what she said before he spoke.

“Jeff’s fucking dead!?”

His kneejerk reaction scared her as he came forward and she pulled back.

“Jesus, Ben, will you stop it already? You’re starting to scare me.” She fidgeted.

Ben slumped back down in the couch, deflated.

“Starting to scare myself.”

Carrie pleaded with him, returning to the stance she was in prior.

“You need to go see a doctor. Something’s not right. It’s like you just took a month off from life.”

What she said spun in his head and he thought on it.

“That’s what it feels like. I’ll go to the doctor.” He said.

“Good. I’m gonna head out. Get a shower and some sleep. Tomorrow night there’s a party. After work, you want me to come by and get you?” She asked.

It was obvious Carrie didn’t want to give up on Benjamin. Although he knew this, he didn’t know just how much.

“Yeah. I think that’d be good.”

His expression didn’t change as he was still lost in what she had said.

“Okay. Love you, see you tomorrow.”

She ran her fingers through his hair briefly looking for life in this young man she loves.

“Love you. See ya later.” He said blankly.

Carrie left and Ben sat on the couch staring off into space.

“I guess a lot could happen in three weeks. Who would’ve known my supplier would go to rehab before me?”

Benjamin redirected his eyes looking down at the Bible.

“Maybe he found God.”

He closed his eyes and his head fell back.

“Maybe God found him.”

-NOISY WORLD-

Steam filled the bathroom. Past the shower curtain, Ben sat down with the water running over him. He lifted his head and let it rain on him.

After leaving the movie theater, Ben and Carrie walked down the sidewalk holding hands. Both dressed nicely for their date.

“Wasn’t a bad movie.” Benjamin claimed.

“Eh, it was okay.” Carrie shrugged.

Neither of them seemed overly impressed with what they just saw. Her hair was full and kind of curly and she was dressed in a blue dress shirt and a black skirt. Benjamin was in dark blue jeans and a blue striped button up with his jacket over his arm.

“Ah.” He smiled.

Ben noticed sprinkling from above. He held his hand up a bit.

“Well shit, it’s starting to rain.” She said, looking around.

It started coming down on them. Not too hard but there was plenty of rain. He took his coat and put it up over her.

“Nice, nice.” He nodded.

“Hate the rain.” She sighed.

Benjamin looked at her like she was crazy.

“How could you hate rain? It’s beautiful.”

“I usually have a bad day when it rains. Rainy days always make me sad.” She shook her head at the thought.

Ben stopped her as the rain poured and he pulled the coat off her head. He put his hands on her waist.

“Nothing wrong with rain. It does bathe the earth, ya know.”

Carrie giggled and smiled despite some of her makeup running because of the rain.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Plus out of the rain comes a rainbow.” His smile reached his eyes.

They stared into each other’s’ eyes before they kissed.

Ben came to, still sitting in the shower. He ran his fingers over the needle tracks on his arms. He looked up into the light and steam.

The bathroom mirror was thickly fogged over until he stepped out of the shower to wipe the steam from it. He reached up and opened the medicine cabinet and found some pain reliever and turned it over to read the label and noticed a thick scar on his wrist.

He was younger when he sat outside a doctor’s office with his wrists bandaged. Sitting in the office was the family doctor, Dr. Jonathan Pear, and his mom. Ben could hear them.

“Suicide attempts are not uncommon with high schoolers. It’s sad but come to think of it, I wouldn’t go back to high school. You remember how it was for us; just think about the stuff he’s seeing.” Dr. Pear said.

Jonathan and Beverly were old high school friends.

“True. But I didn’t think anything was bothering him; not this bad.” Beverly admitted.

“Well, Bev, if I were you I’d just talk to him about it. Or at least try.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” She nodded.

“Your meds still working okay for you?” He asked.

“Yes, thank you.” She smiled.

Ben listened and looked down at his wrist.

“Okay, if there’s ever a problem, and if this situation ever comes up again, just give me a call.” Dr. Pear told her.

“Alright. Hey, Jonathan… Thanks.”

“Anytime, Beverly.”

Beverly stepped out of the office shutting the door behind her.

Ben came back to the present in the steamy bathroom and dropped the bottle. The pills scattered and started rolling down the drain.

“Shit.”

Ben tried to get all the pills but could only save a few. He took a couple, and sighed.

Looking over his room; dirty clothes here and there and DVDs and CDs were scattered about in front of the TV, none of which seemed to have been touched in a while. His bed was a queen size with white sheets and a dark blue comforter and he was just a sleeping lump under the covers.

“It’s often so quiet you swear you could hear fidgeting but it’s never there. All in our heads. The rare sound of silence in our noisy world.”

The door was kicked open and shotgun blasts demolished a blanket over a pile of pillows on the bed. A scared Ben was cuddled up under the bed. He could see their boots. There were three men.

“He’s not in here. Check the other rooms.” One thug told another.

They left the room; their boots heavy and loud with every step. The wide-eyed Ben heard the next door get kicked open and shots fired and flinched with the shots.

Benjamin awoke and lunged up in his bed, no shots, and the door was closed. He got up and locked the door. He took a deep breath and looked down at their muddy footprints which soon faded.

-DOES THIS SCARE YOU?-

The doctor was on a phone call, writing information down with his free hand.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you a call if I find it’s truly important and anything that’s going to jeopardize their life. Not really supposed to be doing so but I’ll make an exception.” The doctor nodded with a smile.

“Doctor, Benjamin’s in.” His secretary said over the speaker.

“I’m gonna have to let you go for now. I’ll be in touch. Have a nice day.”

The psychiatrist hung up the phone, turning his attention towards the door.

“Come in.”

Benjamin entered the room.

“Hey, Doc.” Benjamin greeted.

Ben looked horrible. Doc stopped before greeting and thought.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” The doctor motioned outside.

The two took a stroll through the park. Not many others were out and they had their privacy.

“You look like you didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Yeah, well…” Benjamin shrugged.

“Have more nightmares?” He asked.

“Yeah, but they seem so much more realistic, ya know?”

“Yeah…”

The doctor paused verbally for a moment, thinking to himself.

“You know what I used to have dreams of? What just scared the hell out of me?” Benjamin’s psychiatrist asked.

He felt like it was a good time to let some of the cover of professionalism down and talk to his patient a different way.

“Uh, what’s that?” Benjamin looked at him.

“Clowns. Fucking hate clowns.” He said, shooting his hand out in a chop.

Ben laughed.

“Bozo the clown. Fuck Bozo the clown.” He scoffed.

“A little ventilation there, doc?”

“Just trying to show you we all have our hang-ups; our bullshit.”

“Yeah but not everybody has something that makes ‘em lose respect for the working individuals of the circus biz.”

The doctor laughed as they walked on.

“Anybody use it on you?” Benjamin asked.

“Oh, all the time.” The doctor nodded with raised eyebrows. “My brother would be like ‘Lee, ya know clowns loooove sleeping children…’ just before going to bed. …Yeah, a lot of sleepless nights.”

“Man, that’s brutal. You should be seeing me.” Benjamin laughed.

They laughed a little more.

“I’ll schedule an appointment.”

Laughter continued until dying off. The laugh felt good, needed by both of them. Ben relaxed.

“So your name’s Lee?” Benjamin asked.

“Yeah.” He sounded surprised.

“Hm.”

They continued walking.

“When was the last time you talked to your mother?”

“Just recently. I came in as the phone was ringing.” Benjamin answered.

“How is she?” He asked.

“She’s still… good ol’ mom.” He gave an empty chuckle and a slight shrug.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, she’s still loony. Of course, ya know she’s been like that since dad and Billy…”

Ben stopped and broke down crying while wiping his eyes.

“Sorry, sorry.” He shook his head.

“No, no. Nothing to be sorry about. Here, let’s sit down.”

Benjamin sat down at a park bench as the doctor sat to his right.

“It’s usually easier to say when I’m only half here. High on somethin’ or other.”

“Uh huh, and when was the last time you were high?”

“Ah, I don’t know. These past couple of weeks have been kind of a blur. Like I blacked out or something. My girlfriend said it was like I took a month off. Maybe all this shit is just withdrawal.”

“Perhaps…”

“I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? That explains all the pains and dreams and such, don’t you think?” Benjamin asked.

“It’s a possibility. I understand a friend of yours just passed away recently of an overdose, correct?”

“Yeah, Jeff.” He nodded. “Jeff Miller.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I remember you mentioning him. How old was he?”

“Same age as me.”

“Does this scare you?”

“A little.”

“And how does this scare you? Is it because you yourself are an addict as was he?”

“Not really. It scares me how far off I am. Jeff, Zeke, and I have hung out at least four out of seven days a week since we were in high school. He died two and a half weeks ago and I just heard about it. It’s one of those ‘Where was I?’ situations. Not really placing blame on myself, I’m in the same boat as he was. I find it hard to believe people use hard drugs out of experimentation. I believe most people do it to kill off bad memories, yet while it kills your bad memories it kills you as well. I blocked out painful memories from years and years of depression and for the past few weeks they’ve been slapping me in the face. He killed his depression yet it took him down with it.”

Ben’s face was wet from tears as he sat and stared.

“I think it’s important to take to heart that there is a lesson here, which is to be careful not to fall into that same trap.” The doctor nodded slowly.

“That’s the thing, Doctor,” Benjamin turned to him, “I think I already have.”

-BILLY-

A young Ben and his older brother Billy walked on the train tracks like a tightrope with their arms out to their sides. Both wore jackets, Ben in blue, Billy in red, with gray stocking caps on to help fight the cold which was visible in their breath.

“Billy, we better go soon. It’s getting late.” Ben told his brother.

“Eh, don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine.” Billy fanned his hand out.

Billy found an old board to the side of the tracks and took a liking to it.

“Hey, Benji, check it out. Must’ve fallen off a train…” Billy thought aloud.

“It’s just a board.” The boy shrugged.

Billy set the board on the rail.

“No, look. You sit here.”

Billy placed his little brother on the board and got behind him.

“Whoa.”

Billy balanced him.

“You ready?”

Billy pushed Ben on the board as it slid on the rail, while still holding onto him.

“Choo! Choo!” Benjamin sounded.

It became darker the later their evening got. Billy and Benji ran fast to get home. Their faces were pale with redness on their cheeks, their breath even more visible, and their noses ran. Despite being late, they laughed while running home. They were just down the block from their house when they heard the call.

“Billy and Benji, you better get home right now…!” The wind carried their mother’s voice even farther.

“C’mon, Benji, keep up!” Billy told him.

The boys’ father, Frank, sat down having a beer while watching a boxing match on TV when the two boys entered the front door.

“Woo! It’s cold out there.” Benjamin said with a shake.

“I won.” Billy smiled.

“I gave you a head start.”

“Yeah right.”

Their mom came from the kitchen in an apron.

“Where have you boys been?” Beverly asked.

“We were at the tracks.” Little Benji said.

“Well, dinner is ready. Go wash up.” She told them.

“Yes ma’am.” The boys said in unison.

Benjamin ran off to the bathroom to wash up when their father caught Billy before he left.

“Billy…” His father said.

Billy instantly became nervous.

“Yes, sir.” He said and swallowed.

Frank approached Billy, towering the boy.

“What have I told you about taking him out that far? Especially in this cold…”

“I kept an eye on him.”

“Not good enough. You disobeyed me.”

Frank slapped Billy hard with an open right hand.

“I’m sorry.” The boy said, fighting back tears.

Frank took Billy’s hat off and grabbed him by his coat and forcefully removed it.

“You can think about why you disobeyed me instead of having dinner with the rest of us.”

The father shoved his oldest son out in the cold and shut the door. Beverly approached him.

“Now Frank, was that really necessary?” Beverly asked.

“The boy needs to learn.”

“It’s freezing out there.”

“Well then…he should learn pretty quick then…”

Frank strutted off and Beverly saw that little Benjamin had just watched all of that. She tried to turn her mood around, smiling to the young boy.

“C’mon, let’s go eat.” She said.

That night the boys’ room was covered in the blue of the night. Benjamin lay in bed when Billy came in shivering. He quickly crawled into bed where he continued to shiver awaiting to warm up. Benjamin noticed his brother’s entrance and once Billy was in bed Benjamin got out of bed and got in his nightstand where he pulled out leftovers from dinner. He took it over to his cold older brother who looked happy to see it.

“Look, I got extra from dinner and hid it when they weren’t looking.” Benjamin told him.

“Th-th-Thank you.” Billy said, awaiting his temperature to rise.

Billy ate the food under his covers while Benjamin retreated back to his bed. Benji stared up at the ceiling thinking to himself.

Another day, Billy played army men with his little brother. They both laughed while in their afterschool clothes of jeans and t-shirts and made explosion and gunfire noises with their mouths.

“Request permission for transfer, sir.” Billy said.

“Nope, you’re stuck here down in the trenches.” Benjamin giggled.

“I will serve my land and make my country proud.”

“Look out, soldier! Grenade!”

Ben mimicked the sound of a bomb just as the front door was kicked open by their drunken father.

“You little bastard!” Frank yelled.

The boys froze, clueless.

“W-what’s going on, dad?” A scared Billy asked.

“You tell me! You were supposed to be doing the delivery route this week, yeah!?”

“Yes, sir. I didn’t get to it ‘cause I-”

“I don’t wanna hear it! I’ve already been hearing all about people not getting their shit! You know how that makes me look!? Now we’re gonna go to everyone’s house around town and you’re gonna apologize to all of ‘em!”

Beverly came in frightened of her husband like she’d always been. Her hands fiddled with each other while attempting to talk sense into him.

“It’s pouring out there. Is this really necessary?” She asked, though terrified of the explosive response her question might be met with.

Her husband shot her a look like she was about to get hit and she jumped back and averted her eyes. He turned his attention back towards his son, Billy, grabbing him by the collar.

“C’mon…”

“Dad, no!”

Benjamin tried to come to his brother’s aid only to get back handed. Beverly quickly came in to bring Ben out of the situation. Frank slapped Billy before pulling him out of the house.

“Now get in the damn truck!”

Beverly held young Benjamin as they both cried.

Little Benjamin came into the living room to see a policeman at the door with his mother. The lump in her throat was audible.

“An accident…?” Bev asked in a state of confusion and shock.

Her head hung and she cried.

“I’m sorry…” The officer told her.

Ben didn’t understand at that moment but knew something had changed.

Present day Ben looked down. Benjamin and Sheila stood above Billy’s lonely grave.

“I still can’t believe he’s gone.” Sheila exhaled.

“Me neither. …And mom still hasn’t been to see the stone?” Ben asked.

“She still blames herself. She can’t even talk about him.”

“It explains why she’s been doped up all these years. The guilt would be brutal.”

“I wasn’t there.” His sister turned to him. “Could she have prevented it?”

“She could’ve always prevented it, but hell, she was as afraid of him as we were.”

They started to walk together.

“It makes me wonder if she could really be to blame then…”

“As a parent, isn’t your primary job to protect your children?” He asked, though they both knew the answer.

“You have a point.”

“And in your situation I thought you would understand.”

“I left home because he wouldn’t stop touching me. Mom wouldn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell you or Billy; you were too young to understand. So I left. It took me a long time to forgive mom for letting that happen to me. And since the accident I had a hard time forgiving myself.”

“Yourself?” His head shot over to her quickly.

“Well, after I left it seems that Billy caught the brunt of it. Had I not left maybe he wouldn’t have got it so bad; and in turn, would perhaps still be alive today.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“But I did. In a lot of ways I still do, I suppose. I feel selfish for leaving. We were all in the same boat; a ship of fear. He was abusive to all of us…just in different ways.”

They came across their father’s grave.

“The only problem with coming to see one, the other’s not too far from it.”

“He already took our childhoods; he doesn’t need to take our adulthoods as well.” She said through a snarl.

Sheila spit on his grave. Ben put his hand on her shoulder.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Ben said.

The graveyard was empty with a slight breeze in the air.

The living room of Benjamin’s childhood home was dark. He stood, nervous and scared, looking around him.

His view spun to the right to see a young Sheila screaming.

“Stop touching me! Leave me alone!” Sheila screamed.

His view spun to the right again seeing Billy upset and reaching out.

“Dad, stop!” Billy yelled.

Another spin, continuing in a circle, to his angry drunken father.

“Are you a man, now!? Huh!?”

He turned again to see the clueless, cowardly mother smiling in fear and looking off to the side.

“I wish you all would get along.” Beverly voiced.

Benjamin stood as an adult in the same childhood setting and Frank grabbed him by his shirt.

“And you! You little bastard!”

Benjamin was just as scared of his father as he was as a boy when Billy’s hand entered on his father’s clenched fist.

“Benji, it’s okay…” Billy told him. “It’s okay.”

With the blunt sound of a car crash Benjamin woke up from the nightmare, holding his shirt with clenched fists and panting heavily. He was alone in the middle of his bed in his dark bedroom.

“Benji, it’s okay…” Billy’s voice echoed.

           

-LIFE FROM THE BATHROOM FLOOR-

Carrie drove while a curious Ben sat in the passenger seat, both buckled in with the radio playing.

“Where are we goin’, Care?”

“You’ll see in a moment; quit bein’ nosy.” She told him with a wink.

They chuckled before she pulled up and parked.

“We’re here.” Carrie said.

“Where’s here?”

“C’mon.”

Carrie and Ben wore casual, relaxed clothes with some thrown on jeans and coats. They got out in the vacant alleyway where there was a dumpster and a couple of crates. Any doors seen were closed.

“So what are we doing here?” Benjamin asked, looking around.

“Well I know you’ve been having some…trouble of late. So I thought I’d bring you back here. Thought it might help.”

“I don’t understand. What is this place?”

“You don’t remember?” She watched his confusion. “This is where we had our first date; our first kiss.”

“First date?”

Carrie motioned over to a green door amidst a weathered brick wall.

“You snuck me into a movie through that door there. This is the old theater. Of course the city’s let it go to hell now. This is where you first told me you loved me.” She smiled.

Benjamin touched the door with tears in his eyes.

“How could I have forgotten?” He asked himself.

He turned to her and hugged her tightly.

“It’s not too late, you know.” Carrie said.

“I know. I just have some things to work on.”

“I understand.”

They held each other close in a strong embrace. Any hostility was absent.

“But you were wrong about the kiss…” He noted.

“How?” Her head cocked back slightly.

“Our first kiss was at Paul Milton’s birthday party.”

“What?”

Her eyes widened as it dawned on her.

“Yes! How did I forget that!?”

They kissed and laughed holding each other.

Ben and his psychiatrist sat in their normal spots. Ben didn’t look as rough as he had been.

“So how’re things with the girlfriend?” His psychiatrist asked.

“Better. I think she’s helping me a lot.” Benjamin said as if recently realizing it.

“How so?”

“Helping me remember things. Remember how to feel again, and what I used to feel.”

“Sounds like she’s an emotional anchor.” The doctor nodded.

“Pretty good way of putting it.” Ben nodded with him. “…It’s odd though, the things I remember and the things I forget. On each side they’re broken and scattered, mixed up together. The remembered right with the forgotten and vice versa.”

“Do you feel that such a mix-up is causing your lapse of trust in reality?”

“I don’t know what’s causing it. I guess you can say my ‘cheese has slipped off my cracker’.”

The two chuckled.

“It’s just been a whirlwind. My friend dies a while ago and I just hear about it days ago. My mom’s doped up on who knows what. My girlfriend is trying her damnedest but I end up pushing her away in the end. I feel like I’m going through life on autopilot; like I’m not actually making decisions or even movements. I’m just along for the ride.”

“Interesting.” He jotted notes down. “Have you considered the fact that perhaps you were aware of your friend’s overdose and it just added to your disturbed state?”

“Eh, I don’t know. I’m sure I would’ve remembered Jeff dying.”

“Extreme stress and sadness is known to have effects on the memory. Of course, with your history of drug abuse, that would attribute to memory troubles as well.”

“I can’t tell you the last time I’ve used.”

“Tell me, Ben, have you ever overdosed?”

Benjamin paused before he answered.

“Yeah. …There was one time…”

Ben was shooting up in the bathroom, in ecstasy.

His expression went from high and feeling good to slightly panicked, though not too animated at all. He fell over.

The floor was carpeted with a checkered pattern in a beige and tan mix, and now had Ben lying face down in a rather uncomfortable position. Benjamin’s eyes were lazily open, full of tears, and his mouth slowly foamed.

“So this is life from the bathroom floor, huh? I kinda like it. I’m comfortable. Nobody’s bothering me, asking me questions they know I don’t have the answers to. Nobody’s mad at me for feelin’ good. Yeah, I like the bathroom floor but I know I won’t be here long.”

The hallway from the bathroom into the living room was in his line of sight. He could hear a woman selling something on a distant television.

“If you’re tired of your life…” The saleswoman started.

His body slid without effort along the floor through the doorway and hallway into the other room following the TV.

“Then send it back and we’ll send you a new one.”

He slid up to the TV and stopped, looking up at it. The saleswoman was an attractive African-American woman with her hair in braids and bold red lipstick on. Her face took up the screen and her smile was big and bright.

“Better, bolder, perfect. Live the life you want; the life you dream of!”

The saleswoman broke her plastic TV smile and looked down and over directly at Benjamin.

“Are you sure you’re living the life you dream of, Benjamin? Is this the life you want?”

In the psychiatrist’s office, Benjamin sat more reclined while his doctor sat up straighter to pose a question.

“So who found you?” His doctor asked him. “Surely someone found you and got you to help.”

“Don’t know. I never found out and nobody’s ever spoken of it.”

“Perhaps your overdose caused some kind of off-balancing chemically, or emotionally, psychologically.”

This made sense to Ben and he sat up joining the doctor.

“I never thought about that.” Ben stated.

“You could probably get your levels checked and everything.”

“But why did it take this long to hit me? And why are some days my eyes feel like they’re covered with gauss and the others my brain is getting hit with the biggest combo of nightmares and memories in a slideshow?”

“I don’t know, Ben, why do you think that is?”

“Guilt? Remorse? Longing? Love? Fear?” Benjamin threw guesses out.

“Yes, but to think – now you’re just listing off daily emotions of your average person.”

“Then what of the excessive nightmares?” He looked to the man and his pen.

“You said you watch television, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“And you listen to music, yes?”

“Yes.” Ben was curious as to where this was going.

“Maybe we could experiment where you don’t watch or listen to anything for a week or so and see if the dreams persist.” The good doctor proposed.

“C’mon, doc, don’t tell me you’re buying into entertainment causing hallucinations stuff?”

“No, not exactly. It’s something that crossed my mind just now. Think you’ll be able to stop watching infomercials for a little while?” The doc had a smirk on his face.

“Heh, I don’t know. I usually use them to help me fall asleep.”

“I’m just curious of any recurring visions in these dreams. The more of those we weed out the closer we’ll get to finding the nucleus of this nightmare.”

-WE HAVE IT ALL-

Beverly’s house was full of décor in a very tacky way and she matched her surrounding with a very loud outfit of flower-clad print. Sheila’s house and surroundings looked like a plain working woman’s house; not tacky but not as desolate as her little brother’s.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s always in a mood and doesn’t wanna talk to anyone. He doesn’t wanna talk to me; what kind of boy doesn’t want to talk to his own mother?”

Sheila grew more irritated with her mother.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have fucked him up… Like you fucked me up… Like you fucked Billy up…”

Beverly was shocked and appalled and Sheila was in anger.

“Well I… I guess I’m just a terrible mother.”

Beverly hung up the phone, huffed, and crossed her arms and crossed her legs, sitting in the same spot. She was fidgety and stewing.

Sheila looked at the phone and clenched her hands.

“Aaargh!”

Sheila’s head fell in her hand.

A television screen held a woman selling Donut Gloves. She was a young white woman with black hair and a white pantsuit on holding a tray of donuts.

“Tired of getting icing all over your hands when eating donuts?” The saleswoman asked.

An older man on the infomercial was trying to eat donuts with his coffee and being over-the-top about not liking his hand getting messy.

“Aw man!”

“Well now you don’t have to deal with such a problem anymore with new Donut Gloves.” She presented.

Gloves were held up on the screen with Donut Gloves written beneath. Ben stood in his dark living room looking at his TV. Curtains as closed as ever with no lamps on; just Ben and the light of the Donut Gloves.

“Well if I’m gonna try this I guess I better start right away.”

Benjamin walked up to the TV to turn it off and, very quickly before he did, the donut woman broke her sales character and ran up to the screen.

“Wait, Benjamin!”

It was too late as he turned it off not paying any attention. He tapped his fingers on the top of the TV before leaving the room.

He got in bed and pulled the covers over him. He sighed a tired sigh and rested his head. His eyes raced beneath their lids.

A blank TV screen was interrupted by a silent man materialized center screen. He was tall and in a suit, smiling wide.

“Whatever you’re looking for…” The announcer’s voice came.

The tall silent man held out his arm as if presenting and then he exited frame, never breaking his smile.

“We have it all…”

Love was superimposed next to a pretty Carrie, smiling and waving at the camera.

“We have Love…”

A silver platter held an assortment of drugs. A full syringe, some lines of cocaine, a spilled pill bottle with little white pills and above this platter was the word Regret superimposed.

“Regret…”

The image changed to Zeke and Jeff hanging out and smiling for the camera with the word Friendship on screen.

“Friendship…”

His father is stood on screen looking meaner than ever chugging alcohol and then poorly wiping his mouth with the word Anger written on screen.

“Anger…”

The channel changed to his mother sitting in a rocking chair next to a coffee table. She took a pill from the pill bottle on the table and she continued rocking with an odd drugged smile. The image has the word Forgiveness on screen.

“Forgiveness…”

The channel changed to a coffin with the word Death beneath it on screen.

“Death…”

Ben’s eyes, though shut, went crazy darting back and forth. His face flinched with every word still being heard by the announcer.

“Blame… Loss… Hope… Joy… Weakness…”

The TV screen held a confused Benjamin. He looked around, genuinely lost. He tried to talk with his hands pressed against the screen but he was inaudible.

“Order quick ‘cause this one’s almost gone.”

The tall silent man leaned over and whispered something in Ben’s ear.

“Ah!” Benjamin woke up startled.

He laid his head back down on his pillow panting. His eyes still raced about though his head was stationary on the pillow.

-READING-

People passed by the local library’s sign and entered the building. It looked to have been renovated recently. Its body was red brick with gray concrete pillars in front of the entrance and an American flag on top.

Benjamin walked in the library looking for some information. He approached the computer at an end cap. After typing his request and waiting a second he took his pen out writing titles and numbers down on a scratch piece of paper from the scrap bin next to the computer.

A couple of little kids ran by him.

“Benji, you made me drop my book!”

In an instant without thinking his head jerked over to look at the kids.

“Shh! You kids need to be quiet.” The librarian told them.

The librarian stopped and chastised the boys. Benjamin turned back to what he was doing while shaking his head at himself. His pen was in his mouth while he typed on the computer looking for his info.

Ben crouched down looking through books on the bottom shelf of this particular row. He pulled up “The Truth About Alien Abduction”.

He went to another row, this time at the top shelf, using the little step ladder. He grabbed the book “The Science of Astral Projection”.

Upon getting down a woman passing by bumped into him.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“You’re okay.” Benjamin said politely.

Ben was okay and let her know and tried to move on but she recognized him.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” He turned to her.

“It’s me, Cynthia Richman…from high school?” She explained with a look that hoped to spike his memory.

It took him a moment to recognize this woman who looked like a soccer mom as an old classmate.

“Oh, yeah. How’ve you been?” He asked.

“Good. Good. Uh, you?” Cynthia looked over her disheveled former classmate.

“Not too shabby.”

Cynthia noticed his books about alien abduction and looked at him not exactly looking the best. She looked kind of sad.

“Alright, well, it was good seeing you. Take care.”

“You too.” He said.

Cynthia left and Benjamin nodded and continued his search. He picked up the book “The Other You Wants You Dead: Parallel Universes”. He shrugged it off, uninterested, and put it back.

“Eh.” Ben rolled his eyes.

He looked again and saw a book called “The Dimensional Index” and seemed happier with this one. Ben skimmed over the back cover and his eyebrows raised. He thumbed through it with a nod and moved on.

Carrie was joined by her friend Marcy at a coffee house. They both drank mochas, topped with foam, and had scones. Carrie looked very simple out in a long sweater jacket and her friend looked gussied up as she did no matter where she went. Marcy was one of those girls who wouldn’t leave the house unless her short hair was highlighted and sprayed and gelled up and from her eyes to her lips made up. Carrie had something heavy on her mind and on her heart while Marcy was bored they were talking about something that wasn’t her.

“So what’s going on with you and Ben?”

“I don’t know. He seems distant. But it’s not a normal, like, couple growing distant. It’s like he’s grown distant with himself.” Carrie tried to explain.

“Sounds like he’s gone crazy.”

“He’s not crazy. He’s just… Having a hard time right now.”

“I’d say.”

“I told him it was like he quit life, but now it’s not like he’s given up on life but…fighting for it.” Carrie tried to figure it out herself.

“I think it’s time to let this one go, Care. I knew this wasn’t going to last.”

Marcy played on her phone half the time; either texting or playing a game.

“Marcy, I needed a friend to vent to, not someone to shit on my situation.”

Marcy put her phone down and turned to her friend.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just want you to be okay and this relationship has been so hard on you. It’s been breaking you down over the years. You guys haven’t even gotten close to marriage and you’ve been together forever. You don’t think your friends can see it but we can. I just want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy.”

“He makes me happy. I love him. I’ve always loved him…and he needs me right now.”

“Just don’t let his demons take you down too.”

What her friend said gave her pause before taking a sip of her coffee.

Benjamin was still at the library, sitting at a table reading through the books he’d picked out. He sat alone at the table next to the window. It was bright out and the library was pretty busy; people walked around getting their books for school projects and general interests. The floor was a short black carpet with solid red area rugs and the tables were lined up exactly with the rugs.

The hardwood table of a simple wood grain pattern had his selection of books. He was currently reading ‘The Truth about Alien Abduction’, with cover art featuring a flying saucer over a farmhouse.

“Some who claimed to have been abducted said they are without knowledge of the past few days to a week while others claim to be the pod-versions of their old selves.”

He put the book down and looked forward.

“What the hell am I doin’? Now I’m wondering if I’m a pod person…” Ben shook his head.

Unimpressed by the book, Ben closed it and put it down, scooting it across the table. On to the next book…“The Science of Astral Projection”. The cover of said book had a woman lying down with her ‘spirit’ lifting up out of her.

“Astral projection or astral travel; the astral body leaving the physical body to travel in the astral plane; an out-of-body experience… During this experience your body is susceptible to death as it normally would be.” He read.

He disapproved of this one as well, setting it down with the abduction book.

“Nope. Not what I’m looking for either.”

He picked up the dimension book, “The Dimensional Index” rolling his eyes. Though it appeared very plain with a picture of a grid across the cover with the title on it, upon cracking it open and peeking inside he was almost expecting another failure when it hit him and already he seemed happier with it than the previous two.

“This is more like it…”

He read through this book very interested. He nodded to the pages as if assurance that he understood.

Steam filled the shower which poured out into the rest of the bathroom. Carrie’s red hair was soaked by the hot water. She let the water hit her face and run down when Benjamin’s hands came from behind, running his hands down the scars of her arms. The water and light illuminated them as the steam rose. His fingers investigated each of her scars while he put his head over her shoulder. She was insecure about the scars but didn’t pull away from him. Their silence was as thick as the steam.

“Is this a nightmare or a memory?” Her voice asked softly as if from a distance.

During Ben’s soft caress all of her scars drew red and began to open up. His eyes widened.

Benjamin’s eyes opened as he woke up at the table he’d occupied to find one of the staff, an older woman, standing next to him. No one else was around. She looked like your stereotypical old lady who works in a library, dressed like she’s about to go to church in her beige slacks and jacket over her dress shirt. The window behind him that used to hold the sun now held darkness and all the traffic that was coming through had now ceased.

“Uh! What? What?”

“Excuse me, sir? We’re closing.”

Benjamin rubbed his face, exhaled an exhausted sigh and got up out of his seat.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Have a good evening.”

“You too.” Benjamin walked away.

Late night and Sheila was up in the kitchen with something on her mind; she was restless. She looked bothered and judging by the fact that she was in her green and white striped pajamas she couldn’t sleep. Sheila sat looking at her telephone before shrugging. She picked it up and dialed, almost nervous. She took a deep breath in as the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, mom? It’s me. Look, I’m really sorry about what I said earlier.”

As the conversation blossomed, she looked relieved and smiled engaging in a talk without malice or blame.

-REGRET-

The doctor and Ben sat in the office eating some Chinese takeout. They used chopsticks as Benjamin had lo mein while the good doctor had sweet and sour chicken.

“I had a friend once who was pretty heavily into drugs and when he attempted to quit the withdrawal was ridiculous. He became an insomniac who hallucinated. He was then getting all of the negative effects of the drugs without any of the high.” The doctor explained.

“I don’t know about that one. I don’t think I’m going through withdrawals. Strangely enough I can’t remember the last time I had a craving or an urge. What ended up happening to your friend?” Ben asked.

The doctor paused a brief moment unsure if he wanted to answer.

“He relapsed, overdosed, and died…”

Benjamin stopped mid-bite with lo mein hanging out of his mouth. His eyebrows pulled up in surprise not really expecting to hear that answer.

“Well then…”

“So you don’t believe it’s drug related at all?”

“Hard to say. I wonder if none of this has happened yet and it’s all a warning and I can still fix it…” Benjamin pondered.

“Now you’re thinking.”

“But that’s silly; ridiculous.” Ben scoffed.

“Sometimes an answer to a problem is the correct answer no matter how crazy it seems.”

“It was a throwaway ‘What if’.” He shrugged.

“Have you ever thought about doing something, didn’t do it because you thought it was silly or pointless, then someone else did it and it was successful?”

“Yeah, I see what you’re saying.” Benjamin nodded.

They ate a few more bites.

“Tell me, is there anything in your life that you just can’t let go; either regret or blame or anything?” He asked the doctor.

“Are you speaking about your brother’s death?” He questioned in return.

A young and lonely Benji sat in his bed silently looking at the empty bed across the room thinking to himself.

The doctor and his patient had their lunch, Benjamin looked like he was just hit.

“I don’t know. I really wasn’t thinking about it until now.”

“Perhaps your parents’ involvement?”

Frank’s cold, dead body lay on a table while Beverly stood above him looking down crying but angry.

“You son of a bitch, I’ll never forgive you for this.” She said, clutching her purse.

She slapped the dead man that had just made her a widow.

“You’ve taken so much from me; from our family. …And I can’t… I can’t forgive you…”

She continued to cry and looked over to her side through angry tears seeing another table holding Billy’s body with a sheet over it.

“I’m sorry to hear about Billy and Frank.” Dr. Pear expressed.

Beverly sat in her old friend’s office, completely distraught while her doctor friend tried to comfort her.

“I can’t believe they’re gone. I can’t get it together.”

Jonathan held up a pill bottle.

“I’m gonna prescribe you with these. They’ll help take the edge off for a while. Just make sure you take the dosage it says because these things can be dangerous.” He warned.

She looked at the bottle in her shaky hand and shook her head.

“I don’t know if they’ll help. I’ll try them. Thank you Jonathan, you’re a good friend.”

The takeout was finished and Ben was zoned out a little.

“Ben?”

“Yeah.”

“We were talking about regret and not letting go.”

“Right. I feel like I can’t let something go, but I don’t know what that is…” Ben searched his thoughts.

“Maybe it is the drugs or the attachment to them.”

Zeke and Jeff sat on a twin bed with their backs to the door. The covers of the bed were pulled back to where they sat on the blue sheets. The walls had wood paneling and the only light was coming in from the window.

“Yo, guys. Where you at?” Benjamin asked from the living room.

Benjamin opened the door and entered the room. The boys’ heads shot over.

“Uh…”

“What are you guys doin’?” He asked the brothers.

The two brothers looked at each other and then invited him over revealing syringes set up.

“C’mon man, check this out.” Zeke nodded him over.

“Wanna feel heaven?” Jeff asked.

The doctor and Ben continued their session. Benjamin rolled his eyes.

“There’s always going to be those regrets. But that’s not really it. I don’t know. I do know I regret being horrible for Carrie. She deserves better.” Ben shook his head.

“Now, it’s never too late to change that. You can be better. Just because you are the man that you are, doesn’t mean you can’t be the man that you want to be.”

“Yeah…” He thought to himself. “Well, doc, I’m gonna burn out.”

Benjamin was getting up to leave and was about to exit the room when his doctor stopped him.

“And Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“I was a young man, in love with this girl. I was going to propose and then I chickened out. Less than a month later she ended up going on a date with a guy who raped and murdered her. Had I pushed forward with my feelings for her she’d still be alive… That’s my regret.”

Benjamin appreciated the doctor sharing with him and he took that in for a moment.

“Thanks, doctor.”

-YOU DON’T COMMIT-

Ben’s TV had yet another infomercial on. There was an older man, near crippled with a walker, trying on this jacket. The jacket was black and it was going over his white button up shirt, complete with suspenders connecting to his khakis.

“Has your spine suffered from the wear and tear of living life?” The salesman asked.

The old man looked impressed and stood up straight.

Next a younger man in coveralls is tried it on. The man was in his thirties and was fairly fit.

“Is your back constantly in peril from your vigorous work routine?”

The younger man had the jacket on holding a thumb up.

On the screen was the salesman holding up the Spinal Jacket, written on the screen.

“Then you need the Spinal Jacket! It fits like an ordinary jacket but straightens your spine at the same time.”

The man broke from his salesman character to focus on Benjamin. Ben was pulling his curtains down.

“You look to be getting a bit busy, kid.” The man in the TV told him.

Benjamin turned off the television and went back to taking down the thick black curtains and brightening up his home. Dust came off of the curtains and Ben fanned it out of his face.

Benjamin went to the kitchen to do dishes; finally clearing out the piles. The TV was in the distance, through the doorway and in the living room. It came on by itself revealing a young woman on the screen. Her hair was jet black and her lips were bright red, a sharp contrast to her porcelain skin.

“Where have you been, Benjamin? We have a very voyeuristic relationship, you know. You always watch us, yet you never order. You don’t commit. You want to see and know that we’re here but you don’t want to take part. You don’t want to buy; you don’t actually physically want us.” The woman said.

Ben walked to the record player in the living room, ignoring her, and crouched down looking at his records beneath the player. He picked one and put it on. Classic rock music filled the area while he headed back to the kitchen to continue washing the dishes.

Benjamin went to his bedroom looking at the dirty clothes with a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes. His queen size bed with a black comforter balled up over it was to his right and there was a television on a dresser to the left. Along the edge of the bed were piles of clothes.

In the laundry room he got those smelly piles done too.

Ben sat down with the Bible in his lap while reading a few pages of The Dimensional Index when he heard children playing. He went to the window and looked outside to see two neighborhood boys playing. Through his eyes they morphed and became Billy and Benji. His sibling and his younger self threw a football around when a pretty young redheaded girl came into the yard.

“Hi, can I play too?” The little girl asked.

“Sure, my name’s Benjamin.”

“Benjamin?”

The fantasy playing out in Ben’s front yard was broken when he came to find Carrie standing behind him. He turned to her.

“Hey, your backdoor was open.”

“Yeah, I left it open when I was taking trash back.” He said.

“Oh, okay. That’s not like you.” She said before starting to squint momentarily.

Carrie’s looked around the house impressed. The house was cleaner and brighter.

“Whoa, I’m impressed. You do all this?”

“Yup. Can’t be a slob forever.”

They chuckled and she looked down and saw the book.

“You dusted off the record player?”

“Yeah! Been a while, huh?”

“Yeah it has!” Carrie laughed before looking down at the books again. “What’s this?”

“Eh, just a little reading.” He leaned in to her. “Hi, by the way.”

“I’m sorry. Hello.” She smiled.

They kissed.

“Wanna grab a bite?” He asked.

“Um, uh, yeah.” Carrie responded, surprised.

Another time, Ben relaxed on the couch while Carrie, next to him, sat up.

“Go out to eat? Why? I’m rarely even hungry.” Ben shrugged.

“Okay, okay, we’ll stay in. Jeez.” Carrie crossed her arms.

Carrie soured from what he says.

“What? What is it?” He asked.

Carrie and Ben stood in the present as a contrast.

“That sounds great.” She said.

“Great. What sounds good?”

“Chinese sounds good.” She wasn’t sure of his response.

“Chinese sounds excellent. I’m starving.”

She continued to look surprised. The two exited.

-WHY BOTHER?-

The TV was alive with another infomercial now featuring Ben happy and healthy in a white t-shirt with “Your life” written at the bottom of the screen.

“Hurry now while supplies last.” The TV announcer stated.

Another version of Ben, pale, cold and unhealthy, approached in a black t-shirt.

“What the fuck are you doing to me, bro?” The darker clad of the two asked.

“I’m sorry?”

“What are you doing?” He sneered.

“I’m just…living, man.” He held his arms out.

“Why bother? Why?” He winced.

“Why not?” Benjamin shrugged.

The white shirted Benjamin’s question stopped his doppelganger in his tracks.

-THANKS FOR THE CALL-

Benjamin walked down the aisle of the grocery story pushing his shopping cart. He didn’t appear as dingy as he once had. For the first time in a while Ben looked very sober and not depressed but he was still adjusting. He stopped to check random items; canned foods, pasta bags, etc. He investigated one closer.

“Boy, they just put anything in cans anymore don’t they?”

At that moment he saw Jeff and Zeke talking and passing horizontally at the end of the aisle. They wore their usual attire of baggy jeans and a black coat and a camouflage jacket respectively. Both had stocking caps on. Ben was stunned to say the least. He started pushing his cart fast and then completely abandoned it to take off running down the aisle and turning where he saw the brothers turn. He found them, backs to him, and put his hands on their shoulders pulling them around.

“Guys!” He shouted.

The two complete strangers turned to him in surprise if not in bother. Ben’s face and stomach dropped.

“Oh… I’m sorry. I thought you were some friends of mine… Sorry.”

Ben backed off as the two guys ignored him and went about their shopping. Benjamin walked back to his cart defeated, shaking his head.

Ben and Sheila both had books in front of them that they were reading before Benjamin decided to call his sister.

“Well this is a surprise.” She said with her head cocked back.

“Just figured I’d give you a call; see how you were doing.”

“I’m okay. What about you? Feeling a little more clear-headed?”

“Gettin’ there, gettin’ there.”

“Talked to mom?” She asked, biting her lip.

“Not for a bit. Tell me, Sheil, what do you remember about mom before the accident?” He asked.

“She was sweet, yet clueless. She was a great cook. She was always afraid of dad. I remember there were times when dad would be out with his drinkin’ buddies, she’d take us all to the zoo. We all had fun and completely forgot he existed.”

Beverly, Sheila, Billy, and Benji were all at the zoo looking at the animals and laughing and smiling.

“That’s right, the zoo!” He said with bugged eyes. “I was so young I almost completely forgot about it.”

“Yeah, it was a blast. Any time we got to forget about him was a blast.”

“Do you think you’ll ever find someone? I mean, I know you’re lonely. You’re my sister, I can tell these things, y’know.”

“I don’t know. That whole thing just really did a number on me. It’s hard to explain. I’m not a lesbian; I just have trouble standing men, present company excluded.”

“Oh, thanks.”

They chuckled slightly.

“Maybe someday. It’s just…not on my radar right now.”

“I gotcha.”

A brief second of silence.

“I’m okay, Benji.”

“Alright, I believe you.”

“Good.”

They had another short chuckle.

“Well I gotta go, I’m about to make dinner for Carrie.”

“Oooh, look at you.” She smiled.

“I know it.”

“Thanks for the call.”

“Any time.”

Beverly strolled through the cemetery, her red shoes walking along the short grass. She stopped at Billy’s grave.

“H-hi. Uh, heh, it’s mom. Heh.”

His mom dropped to her knees at the grave crying.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I wish I could take it all back! I was such a coward! I hope you can forgive me! I’m sorry! I love you! I…I love you, son. I’m sorry I let you down. Don’t think I’ve forgotten; I live with it every day. Just know that I’m thinking about you and I love you.”

Walking away she happened upon Frank’s grave, which was in the same row but not next to Billy’s. She looked down at it with anger at first. She got madder before she shut her eyes, breathed in deep, swallowed hard, and exhaled. She opened her eyes, looked down at the grave, and gave a gracious nod as if she’d run into someone at the supermarket.

“Frank…”

Bev left.

-HUNGRY-

Benjamin had vegetables out on the counter and pots on the stove. He got his knife out when he saw his old wrist scar. He looked at it, sighed, and then shrugged. He cut up tomatoes when he heard something. He stopped and turned his head.

“Hungry…” A small, gravelly voice said.

He looked around a bit more, searching for where the sound was coming from before he looked down to see his arms and all of his old track marks opened up like little mouths.

“Hungry. I’m hungry! Feed me! I’m hungry!”

The little mouths on his arms snapped.

“So hungry! I wanna eat! Hungry! Hungry! I’m starving!”

Ben closed his eyes for a moment.

“You can starve…”

Ben went back to cutting vegetables and the voices of the little mouths stopped.

Carrie came in looking in complete awe. He was pleased with her response.

“Oh my gosh. This is incredible.” She said with wide eyes.

“You like?”

“Yes! It’s been forever since you’ve cooked.”

“Figured I’d see if I still got it.”

“I’d say so.”

“Well don’t get to excited yet, you haven’t tasted it.” He smirked.

They laughed.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

They kissed and he took her coat. He pulled her chair out for her and she sat down, pleasantly shocked. He followed that up with pouring some red wine for her; her favorite wine to boot.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“You know, it’s supposed to rain tonight.”

“Well then, we should sleep pretty good.”

“Yeah.” She smiled.

They sat down eating their spaghetti when she realized the TV. The screen held a man in a blue suit holding up a bottle of pills.

“Are you tired of forgetting? Want to remember every frame of memory since birth…?” The salesman asked.

“These things kill me. If you watch these, the side effects they list are worse than what they’re treating.” Carrie chuckled.

“Yeah…”

“I know you want it…” The man in the TV continued.

Before the pill salesman’s last words were even really heard Benjamin turned off the television. He turned around smiling.

“Let’s eat, huh?”

He walked back to the table.

The bedroom was covered in the night’s blue. Benjamin lay on his back while Carrie curled up with him. The window to the side of them was up a little and the rain was heard and seen. They were happy. He touched the scars on her arms.

“They’re not gonna go away, y’know.” She said with an air of sadness.

“Neither will mine.” He noted.

“Happy with me; scars and all?”

“Scars and all.”

They kissed. The steady rain was heard throughout the house. The TV was snowy with static. Whilst hearing the rain, droplets and ripples began in the TV snow. It rippled and splashed like water while keeping its electricity.

The sun came up highlighting the housing and forestation from dark to light, incredibly peaceful.

The front door was kicked in by three thugs with shotguns. They were all in black leather and each had to weigh about two-hundred and fifty pounds. Three big leather-clad, shotgun toting, bald-yet-tattooed headed guys were now in this young man’s home.

“Wheeeeere are ya?” One of them asked in a taunting tone.

The thugs walked through the house kicking open doors and firing; again, kicking open doors and firing. They crept down the hall at a belligerent pace when they came upon Ben’s room.

“This has gotta be it…” Another claimed.

The three thugs kicked open the door and fired tearing the bed’s covers and pillows apart. After they stopped shooting, Benjamin jumped up from behind the bed rapidly firing a pistol and killing them. There was a brief moment of quiet after the killing allowing the smoke and dust to settle.

The couple’s peaceful slumber was broken when Benjamin jolted up out of bed, waking Carrie up.

“Ugh!”

“Baby, you okay!?”

He sat up with his eyes darting back and forth in a sweat while she sat up behind him concerned. A calm came over his face.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, babe. Just a crazy dream; I’ll tell you about it someday.”

They turned over, curling up together and went back to sleep while listening to the rain.

-OUR TIME IS UP-

Benjamin lay on the couch as opposed to when he usually sat. The doctor sat back in his chair tapping his pen on the desk. Their moment of silence was lengthy before either of them spoke.

“So, any new developments?”

“I read some stuff recently; a really interesting book about different dimensions. Well,” Ben shrugged, “Bouncing back and forth between that and the Bible.”

“Was this a real book or in a dream?”

“It was real…” He gave a second guessing pause. “Yeah, yeah it was real.”

“Just out of general interest or in search of answers?”

“A little bit of both I guess. Some of the other stuff I read I found kinda hokey and full of holes but that book made sense to me. I don’t want to go to the doctor because of this, they’d probably either turn me away because I’m a junkie or lock me up.”

“Maybe they could study you. Figure some things out.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to be a lab rat.”

“And you don’t think they could use what they find and help others with the same troubles?”

“Never really thought about it like that. But in all honestly I don’t think some of these clinics are too interested in helping others half as much as their experiments and chances at a Nobel Prize.” A muted scoff escaped from Benjamin.

“Point taken. So what did you learn from this book?”

“It just talks about different dimensions and how there’s different versions of everyone and everywhere. It’s like in one dimension someone could be a bum and in another they could be a lawyer, even though they look the same and even have the same name.”

The doctor smiled at the thought.

“Like a fry cook in one is a brain surgeon in another, and so forth?”

“Exactly.” Ben nodded.

“Do you believe in that theory?”

Benjamin sat up.

“I think it makes sense. Everything in life is kinda built around context and points of view.”

“Interesting.”

“Just starting off with that thought going into it helped me out. But after reading up on it and giving it some thought, the idea of different dimensions made a lot of sense to me. But it brought me to my recent little thing.”

“Oh?” The man asked.

“With the last few weeks as crazy as they’ve been and my memory being jacked, and reading so many similarities in that book I’m almost certain that, well, I’m not me.”

“You’re not you?”

“No.” Benjamin shook his head.

There was a bit of a pause letting it sink in.

“Well, Ben, if you’re not you then who are you?”

“I’m me, but I’m not the usual me. Like I’m the B me when what’s been known of me is the A me.” He leaned forward briefly and rubbed the back of his neck.

“And somehow you found yourself here?”

“I don’t know. That just sounds nuts when you say it out loud like this. Maybe recently I somehow popped into another dimension and saw some of this… Nah, that sounds even worse.”

They had themselves a little chuckle.

“I actually do know what you mean though. I understand what you’re saying.”

“Hearing it just makes me second guess myself though.”

“Sometimes things have to be said out loud before they can really be given proper thought. So what you’re saying makes a lot of sense and carries a lot of weight.”

“So do you agree that I may not be me?” Ben asked.

“I think you’re very much you. While I like you’re branching out and studying into spirituality and dimensional alternatives, this is you. This is your life. I think you’ve just hit a fork in the road. We all hit them, just at different levels of intensity and different periods of time.”

“There is no imposter…”

“No.”

“Just me.” Benjamin tried to grasp it and convince himself.

“Sometimes in moments of extreme stress our minds can alter our perception of what our worlds are.”

“Just like the context and points of view I mentioned.”

“Exactly. Take me for instance…”

“What do you mean?” The young man asked.

“Do you remember when we met?”

“Uh, well yeah we…”

Benjamin drew a blank looking at this man he’d been speaking to.

“Do you ever remember the beginnings of these sessions?”

“What are you saying? What are you doing?” Benjamin grew uneasy.

“Perhaps it is I that’s not himself. Perhaps I’m just a projection of what you always wanted your father to be; what you needed him to be.”

Benjamin was confused.

“But…”

“Have I helped you?”

“Yeah, you have.” Benjamin nodded.

The doctor nodded and smiled.

“I’m sorry, Ben, but our time is up.”

“Ben!” Zeke yelled in the distance.

Ben sat on his couch with his head back, passed out. He woke up to Zeke shaking him.

“Ben! Wake up!” Zeke screamed.

Ben came to, completely shocked.

“What? What’s going on!?”

“C’mon, Jeff ODed! He’s gonna fuckin’ die if we don’t get him to the hospital! C’mon dude!”

“Oh shit!”

Ben jumped up to join his friend running to the bathroom where they found Jeff on the floor. They rushed in and picked him up. Zeke was in tears and scared for his brother’s life as Ben, while scared for his friend, was still getting with the program.

Jeff was rushed through the doors of the ER on a stretcher while the nurses and orderlies told Zeke and Benjamin they had to stay in the waiting room.

Zeke’s arms were crossed while he stood, staring out of the window, stressed. Ben came to him with a cup of coffee.

“Thanks.”

Benjamin drank his own cup of coffee joining Zeke staring out of the window. They didn’t really look at each other, just straight ahead.

“You know what we have to do.” Benjamin said sternly.

“I’m pretty sure I know what you’re about to say.” Zeke exhaled.

“And?” Ben turned to him.

“You’re right.”

“We need to quit.”

“We have to.” Zeke nodded.

The waiting room didn’t have too many people in it. An older couple sat together; while the man was shaking his wife held him. There were a couple of other random people here and there reading magazines. Ben and Zeke paced and eventually sat down for a moment when the doctor came out. Zeke and his friend shot up from the seats they had just placed themselves in. Instantly the doctor’s appearance struck Benjamin: it was the doctor, or at least the man who was the psychiatrist projected in Ben’s mind. Benjamin looked shocked and he silently pointed at the doctor while his friend was worried about his brother.

“Miller?” The doctor asked.

“Is he okay?” Zeke asked.

Zeke was nervous with worried shakes and Ben remained frozen but looking at the doctor suspiciously.

“I’m Dr. Lee.” They shook hands. “Your brother’s going to be fine. He’ll need a lot rest and nourishment. I suggest getting him into a rehab or else this will happen again and probably less successful results. Okay?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you so much.”

Benjamin was still in a silent awe and pointing his finger barely at the doctor.

“He gonna be okay?” Dr. Lee motioned to Benjamin.

“Uh, yeah. He’s fine. He’ll be fine.”

“Okay, Jeff will be ready to see you shortly.”

“Thank you.”

Dr. Lee returned back through the doors. Zeke was so relieved he was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

“Oh man, thank God. Oh, thank you.”

Benjamin looked stunned just looking out into nothingness. In the midst of his panting and pacing Zeke noticed Ben’s space out.

“What’s up with you, man? You okay?”

Ben snapped out of it.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Okay. You’re good. Jeff’s good. We’re gonna get clean. Everything’s gonna be okay.” Zeke breathed in big before exhaling with a tearful smile.

Ben listened to Zeke and started to get everything together in his mind. Ben grabbed Zeke by his shoulders.

“Zeke, I gotta go.”

“What?”

“I’ll see you guys later. There are… just some things I gotta do.”

Ben hugged his friend, who was confused by his sudden departure, and then left. Zeke watched him exit shrugging.

-A START-

Carrie worked the counter at the diner. A customer paid for his meal.

“Here’s your receipt. Thanks for coming in, guys, have a nice day.” Carrie smiled.

“You too.”

The customer, a man in his late forties, was leaving when Benjamin blew past in a hurry, bumping into him.

“Hey now.”

“I’m sorry. Sorry.” Benjamin said with his hands out.

“Ben?”

Benjamin ran up to the counter frantically.

“Carrie, baby, I love you.”

“I love you too.” She said, though still shocked to see him.

“I’m so sorry for everything.”

“What are you-?”

“Let’s get married!” He shouted with youthful zeal.

“Married!?”

“Married! What do you say?”

Though a slight pause, she smiled and teared up.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” She cried out joyously.

They kissed over the counter; a lengthy, passionate kiss.

“I’ll be back when you get off this afternoon. I gotta do something.”

“Everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He said surprising even himself.

Benjamin left. Coworkers and customers applauded her. Not a crowd-amount, but a couple of waitresses and a few customers eating who happened to see the proposal.

“Congrats!” A customer hollered.

“We’re happy for ya, girl!” A coworker expressed.

Carrie was beside herself.

“Thank you. Thank you, guys. Will you excuse me for a moment?” She asked.

Carrie left the counter and went to the backroom on her phone.

“Hey.” Marcy answered.

“Marcy, he proposed!”

“What!?”

“We’re getting married!” Carrie yelled excitedly.

“Oh my God!”

“I know!”

A car pulled up outside of Beverly’s house and Benjamin quickly hopped out of the car and ran up to the house. He knocked frantically.

“Mom? Mom!?”

After not hearing anything he opened the door. Benjamin entered the house as frantic as he was knocking.

“Mom!?”

She came in from the other room reacting appropriately.

“Benji, what is it honey!?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I was just getting the laundry started. What’s wrong?” She looked at him, scared.

Benjamin sat her down in the living room.

“Mom, come here, I wanna talk to you.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“I’m sorry. Mom, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for any harm I’ve caused you. I know I could’ve been a better son and I’m sorry. You lost your son and your husband and I was too selfish to see your hurt; your pain. I love you, mom. I hope we can forgive each other and move forward.” Benjamin pleaded.

“I love you. Honey, of course I forgive you. You were a child; those feelings are natural. I wasn’t the best mother either. I hope you forgive me for my faults and mistakes throughout the years.” Bev teared up.

“I do. I do. I want to live a future not haunted by the past. Things can be different, you know. Things will be different.”

“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

They hugged in a long embrace.

Jeff opened his eyes and everything was a bit blurry at first. Jeff was in the hospital bed while Zeke sat on his left side in a chair and Benjamin stood on his right side with his back to the window.

“Hey, buddy.” Ben greeted.

“Oh, man.”

Zeke hugged Jeff.

“Oh, hey bro, good to see you too.” He pat his brother’s head. “What’s going on?”

“You overdosed. We got you here just in time.” Zeke explained.

“How ya feelin’?” Benjamin asked.

“Like I fought a train.” Jeff shook his head. “Man, this reminds me of when we brought you in.”

Benjamin looked like he just got slapped across the face.

“That was you guys!?”

“Yeah…” Jeff shrugged painfully.

Benjamin still looked bewildered when Zeke jumped in.

“The doctor said you’re gonna be alright.” Zeke informed him.

“Ugh, well I don’t wanna do that again. I can tell ya that.”

“Well that’s something we talked about out in the waiting room… We’re quitting.”

“All three of us.” Benjamin added.

“I’m in. I don’t wanna do this anymore. Should’ve stopped a long time ago.” Jeff sighed.

“You know this is gonna be easier said than done.” Benjamin returned Jeff’s sigh.

“We have the three of us. We got into it together, we can get out together.” Zeke looked back and forth between the two.

“We’re gonna need strength.” Jeff said before a small cough. His brother brought him a drink of water.

“We have it. Trust me.” Benjamin assured him.

Zeke held Jeff’s hand when Ben put his hand on theirs. The doctor entered.

“Well, Jeff, how are we feeling?” Dr. Lee asked.

“I’m good. Thank you so much.”

“Now I already told your brother that you’re going to need plenty of rest and plenty of nourishment. Try to take it easy for a while. I’ll be back in to let you know when we can release you.”

“Alright.”

“Gentlemen.” Dr. Lee gave them a nod.

Dr. Lee was walking out the room when Benjamin, still baffled by this man, approached and stopped him.

“Doctor?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks again.” Benjamin said, extending his hand.

They shook hands.

“Certainly.”

The doctor left the room and a smiling Ben went back to his friends.

Ben sat in the car tapping his hands on the steering wheel to the music on the radio when Carrie got in. He turned down the radio and kissed his new fiancée.

“Where to?” She asked.

“You’ll see. We just gotta make a couple of stops first.” He said with a smile.

They pulled off in the car.

The car pulled up in front of the unassuming Bev’s house. It was a peaceful, sunny day. Beverly hugged her son and soon to be daughter-in-law. She was so ecstatic.

“I’m so happy. Oh, my kids. I’m so happy for you guys.” Beverly said.

“Alright, mom, get your shoes on. We gotta go.”

“Oh, where are we going?”

“He won’t say.” Carrie threw in.

“You’ll both see. But we gotta move.”

Sheila sat down curled up on the couch flipping through channels on television. Infomercials went by very quickly as she flew through the channels; everything from the knife to the raincoat to Donut Gloves and Spinal Jacket. Sheila skipped through station to station getting more bored and irritated.

“Ugh, nothing’s ever on.” Sheila thought aloud.

She turned off the TV and picked up her novel, which had a bookmark in it almost halfway through, when there was a knock at the door.

Sheila opened the door to find her little brother. She was surprised.

“Oh, hey, Benji. What’s up?”

“C’mon, let’s go.” He said eagerly.

“What? Go? Where?”

Benjamin appeared healthy and the gray skies that had clouded his mind were gone and everything was a bright blue.

“No time to explain. C’mon.”

Benjamin motioned over to the car with Carrie and Beverly in it smiling and waving. Sheila sighed and smiled.

“Sure.” She said after shaking her head with a smile.

He drove his loved ones with a new sense of life, determined to live it differently. To everyone’s surprise, Benjamin took them to the zoo and they had the time of their lives. They smiled and laughed, looking and pointing out at the animals. Benjamin held Carrie around her waist from behind and kissed the side of her head.

“I know it’s just a start. But then again… everything needs a start.”

The End…and a new beginning.