“We came to find a cure, and what we found was death.”
In less than a month my first novel will be out. It's kind of a trip. I've touched on this before, a while back anyway, but I'll catch you up to speed since it'll be coming soon. No spoilers, don't worry. In 2015 I'd signed the deal to be published. The book came out in February of 2016. I was thrilled. I felt like a "real writer." While I was happy and proud, there was this feeling I had got from most people upon hearing that it was poetry almost as if "That's cool...but when are you gonna, y'know, really write something." I had just recently returned to a short story writing and had just signed a contract for Gun Control for Polar Bears. No real plans of writing novels or anything like that. I just kept trying to grow.
While we waited for the artwork and printing of the poetry book, I had been perusing my new employer's website when I saw a thematic submission: Sci-Fi As Hard As Ice. I thought, 'I've just started being able to finish short stories and I'm still writing scripts. Novels are for real writer-writers, not writers like myself who just does these weird little things. But I guess it couldn't hurt to try. I've always loved science fiction. I can see if I can do it and if not, then I was right and should just stick to these other things.' Being a LGBT lit company, the rules to this particular submission was along the lines of "Story has to be hard sci-fi, the lead has to be gay, and the word count has to be over 40k (I believe)."
I love hard sci-fi. My favorite sci-fi has always been cold and calculated. It just perks my interest more so than other kinds. 'Hard' science fiction is more based around science and not so much fantastical elements. In example: 2001: A Space Odyssey would be considered more hard sci-fi while something like Star Wars is a bit more fantasy-like. A lot of people think hard sci-fi isn't as fun as the science fiction adventure stories but I argue that it's just as fun, it's just a more mental and cerebral fun - something that gets your brain working.
The lead being gay didn't faze me at all. I'm a straight man but I realize the laws of attraction and affection are the same as in 'the straight world' it's just the gender is different. Someone close to me had once asked me if I was okay writing gay-lit and having that on my list of accomplishments. I found the question a little short-sighted and closed-minded, as if I'm an actor who can't get a gig so I go into gay porn. I had told them that I want to write great stories and if the characters or straight or gay, it doesn't matter. I also put it in perspective for them using a movie as an example. I brought up the wonderful horror film High Tension, which we're both fans of. I pointed out to them that it's actually, at the root of it, a lesbian love story. My friend said 'What!? No!' I explained the movie, despite them knowing it well, beat for beat, proving my point. They were stumped. I said 'Yeah, you don't look at it as a lesbian love story, you look at it as a bad ass horror movie.'
So the content and the character's personal lives didn't really bother me - what scared the hell out of me was that word count! I thought 'That's gonna do me in. I can barely finish short stories, how in the hell am I supposed to write a n-n-n-novel? A grown up book.' So I pressed forward anyway. I had a feeling I'd fail, let it go, and go back to what I was trying to do. Now for the story - what do I know that I could use in such a technical science fiction story? Well, I have multiple sclerosis and I've spent (and spend) plenty of time at hospitals. Learning about a disease like MS anyway is like reading intricate sci-fi. Less than a couple of months before reading this submission post I had been trying to work with my brother on some things. Though I had tried many times, he was never interested. One of the things I'd proposed to him was a space story where the entire text was be from the Captain's Log as the survivor's journal. When I was kicking around ideas for what Supposed Crimes had put out there I decided to use that. I had asked my brother first if he was cool with that, and of course he was as he didn't really want to work on something anyway. So it was set - medical science, space, story told in journal form, gay lead, got it.
Now, when I started on this, to say I was green was an understatement. I didn't pay attention to the rules of literary prose, I just wrote something I'd want to read. I thought of my story and the format. I wrote an outline and sent it to my publisher. This is late 2015, my first book hadn't been published yet. For the longest time, I'd wondered how artists were able to secure projects before something was released. Now I know. Had it not been for them taking in that little poetry book, I wouldn't have ever written Last Rites of the Capacitance or anything else I've come up with for them. She read the outline and liked it and pressed for me to continue. I did so but there were some weird curveballs. I tried to keep it realistic as possible which kept pulling it away from an actual science fiction feel. So the 'harder' I'd try to go in the subgenre, the further I got away from the genre in general. It was a weird fine line.
Every time I came up with an idea, I brushed it off thinking 'Nah, they wouldn't like that. It's probably too weird and out there or just not a fit for the subgenre of hard sci-fi.' I'd send more of the rough draft to her and I'd get notes. No lie, almost every single note was exactly what I'd taken out of it. Only one note was one I didn't think of prior and it wasn't used simply because it didn't fit the story. So my publisher and editor, Christy Case, had told me "That's great! Go with your gut! Don't second guess yourself!" So there were considerable changes made from the original outline - for the better. Then there was one other - the format. In the midst of writing the original draft I had the thought of 'You know, some of this is really hard to get a good effect using just journal entries. I guess I could do found footage, explaining all the security camera footage of the ship. Buuuuut that's a whole lotta work and I don't wanna do that.' The next email of note came to the inbox. In this email, she suggested "Have you thought of maybe doing it like found footage? Aren't there security cameras?" So of course I thought 'Son. Of. A. Bitch.' I got to work pretty quickly on reshaping the book. Now it's a mix of found footage, journal entries, and more. It still defies the average literary prose format but it's not so one-note.
I don't know about how many 'drafts' it went through but I know there were about four extensive edits between myself, Christy, and another editor (I didn't catch her name actually). As I said, I was green and any long-writing I had in me was in a fetal stage so the book was a mess and together we shaped it into something. The release date had changed a couple of times because of that shaping. While it felt like it took forever, in hindsight it wasn't that long at all. I wrote the original rough draft around October two years ago. The edits became more extensive and lengthy. In that time I wrote a lot more and grew more as a writer - of course, the world has yet to see it beyond Sharp Items & Bad Intentions. Not long ago the work came to a close and I saw the finished product.
My personal copies came in the mail a day or so after my father went into the hospital so it was bittersweet. Even after my father had gotten well enough to leave the hospital, it still hasn't hit me. I see it on the coffee table alongside poetry books. I'm proud of it but it still hasn't dawned on me that I've done something I never thought I'd do. Not only did I not fail and move on but I actually like what's been created - which, if you know me, then you know is weird for me because I'm not exactly my biggest fan. Most of the time, I hate reading back on my stuff. I dreaded having to read this but there was enough time that had passed during it's editing and I was pleasantly surprised when I read it. I told Christy "Strange, I don't hate this. I love it. This is something I would read."
I wasn't sure if my wife would read it. She doesn't share the same affinity for the sci-fi subgenre as I do. When my friends and I went to the movies the other night, she read it cover-to-cover. The only thing she knew about it prior was the fact that it was a sci-fi book. When I got back I was surprised that she actually liked it and thought it was good. Some people would say "Yeah, but that's your wife, she's gonna say that." Nope. My wife is no 'Yes Woman', if she doesn't like something of mine, I hear about it. "C'mon, you're a writer, you can do better than THAT." or "Eh, that needs a hard edit...or just delete it and do something else." Plenty of "That's no good." So there's no bias in this house haha. She got it and she got into the characters and the story and situations. One thing I was extra proud of in her review was her skepticism that I was the one who wrote it. Of course, it could come off bad to some, like "It's really smart - I didn't think you wrote it." However, for me, it was a compliment. That's what I wanted - not only for people to love the book but for the people who know me to do a double take.
Throughout the writing of it I was so worried that it was terrible and that I would get raked over the coals for writing such a piece of crap. My wife told me "If it was terrible, they never would've published it." Point taken. Now, in the time between the writing and release I'm more worried that either no one will like it or no one will read it. Other than my publisher and editor, the only person to read it has been my wife (honestly, I thought she'd hate it so her response was a surprise) so I won't fully know until you all get to see it.
If you've read my poetry, my horror anthology, or any of my stuff on this blog, hell, even if you just know me personally, then you know that my brain is like a kaleidoscope of ideas - so it's a bit hard to put all that it entails into its simple synopsis or logline. Once I stopped trying to censor myself, I just started writing and brainstorming onto the page and, looking back at it, it's quite loaded for its size. I'd list all the things explored in it but I don't want to give it away. You'll have to go in blind like the Mrs. did. Incidentally, much like the birth of this book, I came up with a different science fiction novel for Supposed Crimes and, while working on an edit of this book, I pitched it. My publisher loves the idea. Though I've been busy with so much lately, I've started on it. And since I've grown at least a different shade of green, I'm confident that the next one will take less nurturing.
When it came time for the cover of Gun Control for Polar Bears to be done, I was asked if I had any ideas. I made a mock-up of an image. It was sent to an artist to reinterpret it and come up with what some of you now have on your shelves. This book was no different. I was trying to think of what the cover would be. I thought about how I didn't want people or creatures on it and so I went through the parts in my mind like a scene rolodex and I went to a very specific scene and sent that idea in. It was only slightly reinterpreted. We're proud of the cover just as we are with the work within.
I hope you all board the Capacitance when it comes out on November 1st and I thank you for the time you took to read this. I appreciate it.
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