Hot Twin Death Match

HOT TWIN DEATH MATCH

Written by Christopher Michael Carter

FADE IN

INT/EXT. CAR – DAY (CONTINUOUS)

PAQ drives while her fiancé, KIRK, is in the passenger seat.

KIRK

Well, we’re about to get married.

PAQ

You sound thrilled.

She shoots him a look, furrowed eyebrows.

KIRK

What? I am. Totally; I can’t wait to call you my wife.

PAQ

Yeah, I bet. Me and who else?

KIRK

Nobody. I’m a one woman man; you know that.

PAQ

That’s what they all say.

KIRK

Who’s “they all”?

They laugh together.

Paq watches the road. Kirk watches from the passenger side window.

PAQ

I was watching a show last night about a guy who has umpteen wives.

KIRK

(Shaking his head)

Yeah, see I don’t get that.

PAQ

I’m not even gonna comment on it. I don’t want to get to ranting and raving.

KIRK

I don’t see how it’s desirable at all. You got one person nagging at you enough about the trash and the dishes; do you really need or want four or five more of that? It’s hard to keep one person happy and off your back; imagine like an office of people to do that with. Why would you want such a hassle? And what if they’re all menstruating simultaneously? I just think it’s dumb. It’s like the threesome thing.

PAQ

Excuse me?

She shoots him another look.

KIRK

I’ve always heard that every man’s dream is a three-way.

PAQ

That what you want? ‘Cause it’s not gonna happen.

KIRK

No, I’m just saying, that’s the standard fantasy that you hear. It’s not my fantasy. I’m way too awkward for that. It’s hard enough to keep one person fully entertained and then you dream of doing it for two people? No. To me it’s like the multiple wives concept. They think it sounds like this grand thing but in reality it’s just a lot of work and who needs that?

PAQ

Spoken like a true man.

KIRK

Hey, you said yes to my proposal.

PAQ

(Rolling her eyes)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Silence. Kirk thinks to himself, knocking on the dashboard.

KIRK

You know what I want to do?

PAQ

I can only imagine.

KIRK

Well, you’re the hottest woman in the world to me.

PAQ

And you’re blind.

KIRK

So I’d like to clone you and have a threesome with both of you.

Her eyes widen briefly as she takes it in.

PAQ

I don’t know about that.

KIRK

Hell yeah. That would be hot.

PAQ

Nah, it wouldn’t work.

KIRK

How?

PAQ

Her and I would be too busy fighting for you to enjoy any of it.

KIRK

Fighting? How do you figure?

PAQ

I may or may not be a jealous person.

KIRK

Let’s go with “may”. Definitely jealous.

PAQ

Whatever. I’m just saying I’m perhaps a little jealous and if there happened to be two of me that could be a problem. The whole time I’m looking at her thinking how I want to stab her eyes out and she’s going to be looking at me wanting to slit my throat. The moment you touch her I’m going to go berserk on both of you and then when I touch you she’ll be coming at me. You won’t get any because we’ll be fighting the whole time.

KIRK

Hot twin death match. Nice.

PAQ

No, not nice. Neither of us will really be paying attention to you and there’ll be blood everywhere. Yet…at the same time we’d both have to keep an eye on you, making sure you’re not looking at the other. And you’d sit back because you don’t want to get caught in the flurry… You’ll get no action.

Kirk’s expression – saddened, borderline freaked out.

KIRK

No action…

PAQ

See? Bad idea.

KIRK

Yeah, let’s go ahead and skip the cloning idea.

Paq leans her ear towards him.

PAQ

And?

KIRK

(Nodding)

And the three-way idea altogether.

PAQ

That’s right.

(Smiles)

I love you, baby.

KIRK

Love you too…

She places her hand on his lap. He jumps slightly.

KIRK

Just don’t hurt me.

She laughs. He puts his hand on hers and they continue down the road.

FADE OUT

END